Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Daddy’s Little Girl

I realize that I haven’t been blogging much about this current IVF cycle – especially as compared to the first round where I gave pretty much daily updates. The upshot is that things are progressing ostensibly like they did last cycle – just stimming a bit more slowly. I’m about one day behind where I was last time around – which I think is what my RE was aiming for by cutting the Repronex and having me on bcps for a month. I’ve got a bunch of follicles between 10 and 15mm and yesterday’s E2 level was in the 500’s. I expect to make it to retrieval around Monday or Tuesday – maybe Sunday.

Physically I’m doing okay. My stomach feels kinda “full” or “tight” at times. I get headaches – but if I drink enough water they seem to go away or not appear. And giving myself the shots has gone smoothly enough. So, on the outside this IVF stuff is going along great.

Emotionally, well, is a little different story.

Darling D is still hibernating in his cave. Except now, work seems to have added a boulder to the front opening, making it even harder for him to emerge. He had to work both days this past weekend and so far this week he’s not gotten home until well after I’m asleep. When I do see him, the last thing he wants to do is discuss what’s bothering him, so I still don’t know what it is that’s driving this deep depression he’s landed in. It’s frustrating for me and isolating. I feel alone and excluded since he is unwilling to share with me what’s troubling him.

I’m not angry with him for this, but I do resent that there’s nobody out there right now looking after me as I go through the shots, the monitoring and all the rigmarole of an IVF cycle. Isn’t there someone who can ease my burden right now?

And that’s where my dad comes in. He and my mom are currently vacationing in China so it’s not like they can come over and make me dinner. But yesterday morning I checked my e-mail and there were 2 messages from him. The first was to the extended family and friends group detailing their arrival and their plans. The second was to his children (children in-law included) and just said:

Hi, hope you guys are all well and esp in NY; Don't be afraid to write; We love you and will communicate again soon. Love Us

That silly little message means SO incredibly much to me. I cried when I first read it, and I’m crying now as I write this. The “especially in NY” reference – the acknowledgement that we’re in a tough place at the moment, the hope that we are doing okay. All of that I need. I want it from D, but he can’t provide it right now, but my Dad comes through all the way from another continent. What my father does for me better than anyone else in the whole world is make me feel loved unconditionally. I am so lucky.


Blogger Susie said...

I'm thinking of you, Mellie. Hope things go well this cycle. So glad your dad made you smile (well, cry) today. It made me tear up a little, too.

May 03, 2006 1:00 PM  
Blogger MoMo said...

Mellie, I wish I was in New York so that I can give you a big hug and take you out to dinner or coffee or anything. If I ever make it to NY(S is doing some interviews out there) I promise to look you up and take you out and we can both forget about this IF thing!

Hang in there..I know this is really difficult. Your dad sounds really sweet..his email is so genuinely sincere. Take care of yourself and I am thinking of you!

May 03, 2006 2:03 PM  
Blogger EJW said...

Blogland is looking out for you, and I'm sure D. will come around.

Men react to fear and sadness in such crazy ways, and it almost seems cyclical: they hurt, so they retreat, which makes you feel alone, then they hurt even more for not being able to take care of you.

You dad's email is really sweet. Amazing how such a small, subtle acknowledgement is so powerful.

May 03, 2006 2:57 PM  
Blogger Jamila said...

how very sweet of your dad.

May 03, 2006 3:27 PM  
Blogger Spanglish said...

Yes. You are so very lucky.

Can I have your dad? Or at least borrow him?

May 03, 2006 6:21 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

That was very sweet of your dad. When I finally 'fessed up to my parents about all the stuff I've been through recently and gave them access to my blog, they wrote me such a supportive email. I think we tend to forget, once we're grown and married, that parents are still a wonderful- and sometimes very necessary- source of support. I'm glad yours was able to provide you some.

Thinking of you and hoping things continue to progress well.

May 03, 2006 7:27 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...

I'm certainly glad to hear the cycle is progressing well technically. But I wish you didn't have the worries of D and his cave.

May 03, 2006 9:32 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

What a lovely dad you have there. I hope you and D can mend your fences and get on the same page with the IVF. I can understand how he is feeling but he needs to be there for you too.

May 04, 2006 5:33 AM  
Blogger Chee Chee said...

I am so happy that your dad was able to provide you with a measure of emotional support that you needed at just the right time.

Hang in there, I am sure D will come around.

May 04, 2006 6:17 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Glad that your parents are doing the right thing. My father just doesn't want to know ANYTHING! I'm sorry that D is having such a tough time, boy it's hard to know how to help those men. I don't suppose he'd agree to see a counsellor?

May 04, 2006 8:19 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

sniff, what a sweet dad.

i am glad this cycle is progressing. you know that bloglandia will give you the support as well....

hang in there. D will come around.

May 04, 2006 11:32 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Mellie, I'm so sorry you are worrying about D and trying to do this cycle basically on your own...of course you have us but its not the same. Having the support of your family is so important! Thinking of you.

May 04, 2006 2:02 PM  

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