Tuesday, May 16, 2006

3dp5dt

I’m feeling optimistic. Excited. I don’t want to jinx this thing, but I think this just might work. An added benefit of a 5 day transfer is that the 2ww is pretty much cut in half. I go in for my beta on Monday. MONDAY! I don’t plan on testing before then.

So I’m in a good place. The happiest place I’ve been in in a LONG time. And D is “happy that I’m happy,” but other than that not so interested or invested in what’s going on. I can’t understand why he doesn’t stare at the picture of the blastocysts with the expression of awe that I do. Or why he doesn’t (when we’re actually in the same room – which isn’t happening very often now that his work has monopolized him) want to put his hand on my stomach and tell those embryos to implant and grow and divide, like I am constantly doing. But what actually upsets me is that he didn’t understand how nice it would have been for him to say he wanted to come to the transfer procedure with me on Saturday. It would have been nice if he could have offered some moral support, since obviously I was quite capable of handling it solo physically.

And there’s probably a part of me, if I’m completely honest with myself (and you), that’s proud of myself for not needing him; for being able to do this all on my own (well, maybe not all – but definitely the majority). The past 2 nights D has had to stay at the office well past our designated 11pm PIO shot time – so I’ve given myself the IM shots. It actually hasn’t been so bad in the physical sense, and I’m proud of myself for being able to do what needs to be done. But if D could have been there, it certainly would have been easier. And I think that about sums it up.

13 Comments:

Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Good for you, hon, on doing the shots yourself. He is emotionally in a different place than you, especially after all the concerns he has had about his boys and his health. I am not trying to make excuses for him but it sounds as if he is just waiting to find out the outcome. Men like resutls, not the waiting for them.

May 16, 2006 4:59 PM  
Blogger MoMo said...

Wow Mellie..you are so strong for being able to do all this..the transfer and the shots..you should be very proud of yourself. But I know that having D there would have been nice and made a huge difference. I hope he comes out of his cave. But I am so happy to hear that you are feeling excited and optimistic about this--I am crossing my entire body that this will work for you guys! Hugs!

May 16, 2006 5:08 PM  
Blogger Lut C. said...

I can imagine you're not happy with your husbands distance. Who would be, this is hard enough as it is.

Is he in denial? Trying not to get hurt? I hope you work things out soon.

I'm crossing my fingers for you.

May 16, 2006 6:17 PM  
Blogger Avonlea said...

Mellie, I'm sorry your darling husband is struggling with this, he must be in a lot of pain, afraid that he's somehow going to fail you when he knows how much you want this. I hope you make it, I bet that will set him free from his current turmoil.

Men just don't know how to deal with their feelings, I think it's not unusual for them to retreat into themselves.

I'm glad that you've been able to make it on your own, - well, you still have us - don't forget.

May 16, 2006 8:33 PM  
Blogger Krista said...

Mellie good for you for being the strong one when he is down. I'm not sure I could go through it on my own (emotionally).

It is unfair the pressures that infertility places on a couple (like everything else is not hard enough). Smart of you to recognize that he just needs to protect himself right now and be strong enough not only to get the job done but to stay positive too!

May 16, 2006 9:04 PM  
Blogger the waiting line said...

GOOD!

May 16, 2006 11:55 PM  
Blogger K said...

My thoughts are with you sweetie!

May 17, 2006 12:08 AM  
Blogger Jamila said...

Mellie, you're doing great. I understand the frustration with D's distance, but seeing as how it falls squarely into the "accept the things you cannot change" area, you're doing the best you can. I'm so glad you're feeling good and am hoping on every star that come Monday you'll be feeling even better.

May 17, 2006 10:50 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Congrats on doing the injections yourself, I've so far avoided doing that. I think something similar to what others have said (and what you've probably thought already). He's having a really tough time thinking, this is all my fault, it's me that's put Mellie through this. And he's feeling guilty and that's really hard to deal with. So he is being a bit crap but I think we all understand why. I'm glad you're able to keep on feeling happy without him being there as much as he should be.

May 17, 2006 1:30 PM  
Blogger Alli said...

Good luck with everything! There is no way I could do the shots myself, so bravo. That's amazing.

May 17, 2006 3:02 PM  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Good for you with the PIO shot. I thought giving myself a tiny gonal shot in the belly was impressive but a PIO shot on your own, that's good!
IVF does make me feel kind of independent too. Like I don't need a man, other than a few of his swimmers.
Monday is so soon, yea for a short 2ww!

May 17, 2006 4:09 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

Sounds like his work/life balance is a little out of whack. I know that I am guilty of that too, but as I've gotten older, life, especially ttc, is WAY more important than anything that I am doing at work. I am lucky to work for a company that preaches the importance of work/life balance. Otherwise, I'm the kind of person who may have put this off ttc indefinately. Keep in mind that his company may demand so much of him, that he doesn't feel supported at work to take time off without jepordizing his job, or at least that may be his preception. Start scheduling his time early so you get top billing over work. If he uses Outlook at work, send him a scheduled appointment so it's on his calendar of when you need him, you have first dibs! :)

May 17, 2006 4:36 PM  
Blogger Chee Chee said...

I think it is awesome that you have been able to handle this on my own. I'm especially impressed by your doing your own PIO shots. My husband travels at least once a month and if we actually make it to that point, I'll have to do my own sometimes. The prospect of it is intimidating.

I just know that D will come around eventually. He really seems to be struggling with so many things. I hope he can let you in soon and share in your excitement of all that is possible.

Hang in there.

May 17, 2006 6:03 PM  

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