Friday, November 10, 2006

Been Meaning to Write This Post Forever....

When I went home for Rosh Hashana back in September, I couldn’t help but think of how finally, this year, I was pregnant for the high holidays. For the past three years I sat in shul, always hoping that the next year I’d be holding an infant, or at least have the pregnant belly. Instead, I would flip through the prayer books, looking for Biblical names that I liked – or I’d read the stories of the Jewish matriarchs and ancestors. Last September (2005), I remember feeling quite strongly that every story in the Jewish liturgy is about infertility – Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Hannah all suffer.

Knowing that this affliction has been around since the beginning of Judaism did not make me feel better. What was particularly troubling, was knowing that I had done the same thing year after year. Thalia & Mony wrote about this also – how these yearly rituals which inherently mark the passage of time, are more difficult for us, the infertiles. And while I am so happy and elated to be where I am right now (28 weeks, 4 days), I still remember the ache and fear the pain associated with years of infertility.

In the Rosh Hashana service there’s a line translated that made me cry last year, and when I read it again this year, all the frustration and sadness came rushing back. Hannah’s husband says to her: Why do you weep? Why do you not eat? Why is your heart sad? Am I not worth more to you than ten sons?

To me, that was exactly what my problem was. My heart was sad. And I could never explain to D why I couldn’t be happy with just him.

I so wish for all of you still suffering trying to conceive, that next year your hearts aren’t sad.

14 Comments:

Blogger UtRus said...

that was really beautiful. xo

November 10, 2006 7:13 PM  
Blogger UtRus said...

hey mellie - i don't see an email for you but i have a question for you - would you mind emailing me at utrus@hotmail.com

thx

November 10, 2006 7:22 PM  
Blogger Lut C. said...

Great to hear all is well! Thanks for the well wishes.

Old testament is not something we dwelled on a lot in school, so I'm not really familiar with those stories. So much has changed since then, except the emotional bagage.

November 11, 2006 5:11 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

What a lovely sentiment, what a kind person you are for thinking of others at that moment. If I figure out a way to make my heart not sad without a baby, I'll have to send up a blimp with the answer on it.

November 11, 2006 9:52 PM  
Anonymous Z said...

i'm so glad to see you post again...i was beginning to worry.

your post today was so beautiful. it shows how much our partners also suffer through infertility.

November 11, 2006 11:44 PM  
Blogger Mony said...

You are the sweetest.

Beautifully written Mellie and from the heart, I know.

November 12, 2006 3:49 AM  
Blogger Ella said...

Beautful post, and I'm glad to hear everything is going well for you. I was one of those people practically crying in shul on Rosh Hash this year. Hopefully next year will be diferent. All the best to you.

November 15, 2006 5:55 PM  
Blogger lucky #2 said...

Beautiful post. It seems when you are battling IF, you can relate to sadness in any story and the bible is certainly full of them!

I just posted a similar feeling regarding my daughter's baptism. Thanks for the lovely post. I am glad to hear all is going well!

November 20, 2006 10:02 AM  
Blogger FrogLegs said...

I don't know much about your religion- but thank you for sharing the bit you did.

November 21, 2006 7:42 AM  
Blogger Mony said...

Hello world's worst blogger.

I hope everything is wonderful. I think about you alot & would dearly love to smack your pregnant arse for being sooooooo quiet.

Love Ya.

December 30, 2006 7:36 AM  
Blogger lucky #2 said...

How are you doing, quiet pregnant one?

January 05, 2007 10:35 AM  
Blogger Dramalish said...

Hey you.
Please update.
Prettttty please.
-D.

January 14, 2007 12:04 AM  
Blogger the waiting line said...

How are you doing?

January 14, 2007 7:23 PM  
Blogger chris said...

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May 18, 2011 5:40 AM  

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