Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The Post Where I Respond To Anonymous

Anonymous’ comment on my last post:

Shame on you. You expected support when you were in need before but now you cannot be there for the pain and loss of others? Shame, shame. Do you think your good luck (and that is all that it is) can be contaminated by others' pain and grief??

What defines a blog troll? Is the person who left me the comment above a troll? I tend to think so since she didn’t leave a name or way to identify herself.

I also think she missed the point of my previous post. Didn’t I write that I “feel guilty for being a lucky one”? Doesn’t that imply that I know my current state is due to good luck?

I’m also not certain that anyone who writes a blog expects support. We hope for it – and for that sense of joining a community, but I also think that we understand when it is necessary for whatever reason for someone to disappear from the community for awhile. There are no contracts signed when you start a blog, or post on another’s. Except that I would hope anyone reading would respond with compassion and courtesy. The old adage “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” should always apply.

And finally, sadly, I DO think that I can be “contaminated” by other’s pain and grief. While I wouldn’t personally use the word “contaminated” – I certainly know that I have been affected by the tragedies that have befallen those fellow bloggers that I’ve been following for some time. If the failures of others don’t hurt, than the successes wouldn’t give hope, and the sense of community in the IF blogosphere wouldn’t exist.

To those of you who responded to my last post before anonymous, I thank you for telling me that you are still reading and want to hear the good news that’s out there. It means so much to me to know that.

Hopefully I'll have some more good news to share soon.

27 Comments:

Blogger KristinC said...

I'm so glad you wrote this. First, Anon ppl just shouldn't post at all! They are obviously too chicken to show themselves, but they still want to run their mouth. Ugh. Second, I'm very happy for you and glad that both beans seem to be doing well. Anxiously waiting to hear more good news. Keep on blogging!

June 14, 2006 6:05 PM  
Anonymous Sazzlie said...

I am a a mother of a beautiful baby girl who was conceived via FET, I had bee emailing the same four women for years until I got pregnant. I just needed to concentrate on my pregnancy. I say you do what you have to, those who have suffered IF understand.

Note to the ANON. Don't be such a beatch!

June 14, 2006 6:29 PM  
Blogger Larisa said...

I am still reading - and I am overjoyed for you. I know what you are saying about the survivor's guilt - I hope you continue to post in some fashiong.

Boo on the anon.

June 14, 2006 7:23 PM  
Blogger Krista said...

I love hearing from you and I love knowing that you made it to the other side. If the blogosphere was only bad news, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Good for you for calling out anonymous. If you had decided you couldn't cope and needed to withdraw, we would have supported that decision too.. we love you that much.

June 14, 2006 7:46 PM  
Blogger Sheryl said...

Ignore the troll Mellie. This blog is for you and your feelings. We all hope for support, and to gain experience from others. That's why we've all joined the IF Blogosphere!!!

June 14, 2006 8:40 PM  
Blogger the waiting line said...

Hmmpf. Who the hell starts a post with "Shame on you"?

Mellie - forget about it. I agree with Sazzlie - you do what you gotta do.

June 14, 2006 8:44 PM  
Blogger Milenka said...

I'll be checking in and hoping for more good news soon. *hugs*

June 14, 2006 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Being newly pregnant after infertility is just a weird place to be. Everyone (myself included) needs time to figure out their new place and that takes some time. Anon should at least have the guts to say who he/she is.

June 14, 2006 9:32 PM  
Blogger Spanglish said...

Anon has some rage issues.

I understand about being affected by others pain and grief. It's exactly the same thing as experiencing pain over someone else's joy. You have your joy right now, and it's difficult to face a tragedy when you need to focus on positivity. And you NEED to, for your healthy emotionally and mentally (which of course directly feeds into the physical).

Some days I can't bear to read about a pregnancy, and on those days I just don't visit pregnant blogs. It's that easy. Some days are easier, and I can read about it but I can't come up with anything to say so I stay quiet. We ALL do this.

Anon had a bad moment. Who knows what she's going through right now, but it was so not nice to condemn you for being... hmmm? pregnant and fragile? An infertile in new territory? Shame on her. Shame, shame that her bad luck (and that is all that it is) is contaminating her SO MUCH that she has to inflict pain and grief on others.

So Mellie, no apologies necessary for your silence. We understand, and I take comfort that you understand my silence as well.

June 14, 2006 9:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anon's comments made me think about how bitter I've become as an infertile. Not that I thought her thoughts, but I was just thinking about how crazy her comment was to you. She probably didn't mean to attack you; her bitterness took over.

Like you, I am 7 wks. pregnant (although I'm still in denial). And yet, I still hold onto a lot of anger resulting from the highs and lows of infertility coupled with fertiles' stupid ass comments. This process changes you and I can only pray the bitterness subsides. My point being is that Anon is probably going through a rough patch. Just shake her comment off.

Say what you want w/o any apologies. This is your blog and people can choose to read it or not.

Like you, I tend to internalize the sadness going on in blogland. It's heartbreaking and sobers you up about the fragility of life.

Don't be afraid to comment on those hurting. You don't seem the type to flaunt your pregnancy in their face. You can just say, "my heart aches for you," or even "so sorry" may help.

All for one and one for all.

Best to you and your husband,
Sylvia

June 15, 2006 1:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

p.s. -- i hope you will reconsider the blog. we are at the exact same stage and i'd love to hear from you.

-sylvia (girl w/o a blog)

June 15, 2006 2:04 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Ignore that troll and keep on doing your thing!

June 15, 2006 8:04 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

A pregnancy is over-the-moon, happy news to be shared and expressed. Guilt does not factor in anywhere (IF or not). It's all about celebrating and rejoicing!

Also, Congrats x2 (It was obvious from your HCG results that it would be twins)!

June 15, 2006 9:35 AM  
Blogger MoMo said...

Ignore anon...this is your blog and can write what ever you want--isn't that the whole point? I love reading your blog, so please don't go away. I am looking forward to following your pregnancy!

June 15, 2006 9:42 AM  
Blogger Chee Chee said...

I think often people who post anonymously (not always) tend to be cowards and I don't think it's ever appropriate to make negative comments on someone's blog. I agree with you, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

BTW -- I enjoy your posts and will continue to read your blog as you progress through your pregnancy. I'll be honest, I may not comment as frequently but I'll be rooting for your success throughout your journey.

June 15, 2006 10:48 AM  
Blogger Susie said...

What a rude anonymous comment that was. She is the one who should be ashamed.

Like Jenn said, it's tough to be newly pregnant in the IF blogosphere. Just do what feels right to you, Mellie.

Remember last May when you and I did the Bravelle/IUI protocol at the exact same time? I felt so sad and guilty that it worked for me and not for you. I am really pulling for you.

June 15, 2006 11:36 AM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

grrrr... Oh, I'm PISSED at anon!!!

I can't imagine that whoever the spineless jack-ass is who wrote such a cowardly comment, has not a CLUE of what infertility is like. At the very LEAST they must lack a single OUNCE of empathy... for only such a person would be able to immerse themselves in the tragedies of others without being affected by them.

What an ass.

June 15, 2006 12:18 PM  
Blogger Mony said...

Anyone who posts "Anon" does so because they are fully aware what they are about to say is hurtful, low & bitchy. I can only hope that "Anon" feels deeply ashamed of herself now. Maybe she just lost her cool...got swallowed by the green monster and found bitterness her best coping mechanism. Don't take it personally Mellie. We all know only too well how unhealthy the mind can become during IF. One outburst is acceptable....but if she comes back with any more tripe, we'll have to have a dance off.

June 15, 2006 9:12 PM  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Ugh, definatly a troll! Sounds like a good case of jealousy, I hope it doesn't change the way you post.

June 16, 2006 12:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mel
I'm so happy to hear about your beans! Your old fertility friend group is rooting for you all the way!
Love reading your blogs.
Elnette

June 16, 2006 4:52 PM  
Blogger Dramalish said...

Mellie...
As you can see, BlogLand has shown up and told you how much they understand what you were trying to say.
Poor anon... IF kicks our asses sometimes, and that can make us ugly from time to time. I'm glad you recognize it for what it was.
Hugs!
-D.

June 16, 2006 6:32 PM  
Blogger EJW said...

As others have said, we need the good news to balance out the bad. It would too hard if people only shared the negative results and setbacks.

Practically speaking, everyone I know has a way of dealing with the ups and downs. If it's not clicking a specific blog, fine. I personally categorized my bloglines list so that on bad days, I could ignore the "pregnant" ones and focus on those still trying. Other times, I needed to see some hope and avoided the "still tryings." I would never have gone to a pregnant blog on a bad day and left hateful comments.

I hope you keep blogging, as there is nothing more joyful than the birth announcement (or two!) of an Infertile Blogger.

June 16, 2006 10:00 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

I think you are absolutely right on your thoughts on blogging. I'm still reading, even if not posting as much. I am happy for you. Anon is a troll.

June 17, 2006 10:13 AM  
Blogger Lut C. said...

Yuck! Troll. Don't feed.

;-)

June 18, 2006 5:57 PM  
Blogger fisher queen said...

Oh yuck. What everyone else said. I felt exactly the same way when I was 7 weeks- it's a new and terrifying place to be in, and sometimes you need to pull back a little. I'm sorry you got that comment.

June 19, 2006 9:56 AM  
Anonymous Suzanne Darley said...

You don't owe anyone ANYTHING - you do what is best for you - and stop feeling guilty! You are providing a wonderful support for people who need hope just by telling your story. I am the one who posted a few weeks ago - if it wasnt' for your story about zero fertilization I never would have pushed ICSI - thank GOD we did that because DH can't get the job done!

I'm seven weeks pregnant and I owe you a huge thanks for telling your story or I might not be pregnant right now.

Forget the trolls!!!!

June 20, 2006 7:04 PM  
Blogger Janice said...

Please ignore the anon poster. It was just rude and inconsiderate. I read your post and totally understood what you said. There is such a surge of emotions at the beginning of a pregnancy especially one that was hard to obtain. I am wishing you best of luck throughout your pregnancy. I hope you will visit us again on the fertility friend board when you are ready. We miss you!

June 25, 2006 11:15 AM  

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