Ninth Inning.

I may or may not be in early labor. It’s 4:18am and I’ve been up for 2 hours, experiencing cramping/contractions frequently enough to prevent me from sleeping. This is kinda crazy. (4:20 – contraction.)

I’m sorry to have kept those of you who keep checkin’ in on me without an update for so long. I’ve been quite fortunate that the pregnancy has progressed without any problems (knock on wood). Last Thursday my OB told me I was completely effaced and 1cm dilated and could “go at anytime.” I was NOT prepared for that –I had been counting on my 3 day MLK Jr. long weekend to get things in order. So, I negotiated with the baby, asked for one more week and got that. If this is indeed the real thing, I’ll be a week early, but now at least I’m feeling more mentally prepared.

D still isn’t so into the pregnancy. Over Christmas vacation I half-jokingly asked him “Won’t you love the baby?” and he replied “I’m sure I’ll love the baby; I just don’t know that I’ll love being a parent.” Hearing that distinction was a minor epiphany for me – I finally understood somewhat where he is coming from. I’ve known all along that all he can really see is what changes and sacrifices lie ahead for us; what I’m betting is that he is discounting the vast amount of love he’ll feel for the child and what that will bring him in return.

If this isn’t early labor and I’m just unable to sleep, I have one more week of work before I go on maternity leave. (4:29 – contraction.) I’ve arranged to be off completely through Memorial Day, and then return part-time for the summer. I’ve been training my cover for the past 2 weeks and really like her. We could probably use another week, but if it’s not to be than it’s not to be. I don’t know whether or not I will go back to work. I’m quite fortunate that I do not need to financially, and my boss has made it clear that he knows I may decide not to return. I just know that I have no idea what being a mother is going to be like, so I just want to wait and see.

I’ve hired a doula to assist me in the labor. I know I’ve paid her to be on-call, but I’m hoping I don’t have to call her before the sun rises! I haven’t woken D up yet either – figuring one of us with some sleep would be better than none.

Pregnancy is weird. I’ve gained 30lbs. What I didn’t expect was this feeling that appeared around 34 weeks of having (4:39 – contraction) this hard, bone-filled thing sitting at my mid-line. For some reason, I just always imagined it as soft and fleshy. I’ve kept myself in pretty good shape though – attending pre-natal yoga classes 2x per week generally and eating mostly healthfully.

About this labor thing, though. My intention is to try and get through it without drugs. I suppose because it seems to be healthier for the baby, but also because I don’t want to do anything that interferes with or impedes the progress of the labor. I am pretty confident that my body knows what it’s supposed to do; whether or not I’ll be able to withstand the pain without an epidural though is a different question. I’m not willing to close off all my options.

So here I am. Last MKL Jr. weekend I started Lupron for my first IVF cycle. The result of the second try is, g-d willing, about to be born into this world. The thought of it is enough to make me weepy. Granted, since Friday night my emotions seem to be (4:48 – contraction) easily triggered. I got upset and weepy when D moved my birthing ball from the living room; I got upset and weepy when D made a joke about being worth more dead since on Friday he increased his life insurance; and for the last week every time I listen to the song “What Sarah Said” by Death Cab For Cutie I get tears in my eyes.

I know I really should try and sleep, but having these contractions – which mostly feel like REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD menstrual cramps every 10 minutes isn’t conducive to sleep. The way they already feel make me pretty sure that there will be some vomiting and nausea as I go through this process.

I had this grand plan of baking brownies while in early labor to take to the hospital to, you know, bribe the nurses to be nice to me (and as an homage to Dramalish). I suppose 6am seems like the appropriate time to start something like that. My parents are in NH at the moment and (4:57 – contraction) that would mean a 7 hour drive for them to get here instead of the 4 from Boston. How soon do I call them? Can this really be it? It’s not like anything else I’ve felt….

I’m scared. And anxious. And excited. And have no idea what lies ahead. Thanks for tuning in and know that I wish you all happiness.