5w2d If HCG Is To Be Believed

I’m still pregnant.

Today’s blood draw showed an HCG level of over 11,000, which calculates as a doubling time of 1.65 days (or 39.6 hours). PHEW.

I guess I’m doing okay. For most of the past week, I’ve been really, really happy. I spent the weekend in Boston with my family, and my parents are really, really – bursting from the seams - happy. I’ve shared the news with them obviously and my brothers, and my closest girlfriends who all knew the IVF schedule. D’s told his best friend and that’s it.

What’s surprised me the most is how optimistic and positive I am about this turning out okay. Perhaps it shouldn’t be a shock, as before I encountered infertility I was a glass-is-half-full kind of girl. So while I’ve been qualifying any talk of due dates or later stages of pregnancy, I’ve found it much easier than I ever anticipated using the “p” word. I think I’ve been waiting SO long that now that I can I almost always do.

On the other hand, I’m not without worry. Last night I woke up at 3:30am for my typical bathroom trip and couldn’t fall back asleep. I tossed and turned convinced that the few symptoms I do have (bloated abdomen, gassiness, hungry alot) had disappeared and that today’s blood draw would show bad things. Part of my fear may be because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Thalia (if you haven’t already shown her some love and support, please click on over), and how none of this is fair or logical or makes any sense. And part of the fear is because I am so much more aware than I would have been if I’d conceived three years ago of all the terrible, terrible things that can happen.

So, overall, I’ve just been waiting patiently for someone or some sign to give me the all clear to move ahead. I’ve been too superstitious to call my ob/gyn for that first appointment and I haven’t yet called my mother-in-law or sister-in-law with the news. I think that, if, knock on wood, Friday’s ultrasound is promising than I can proceed.

While I was in Boston, I visited with one of my closest friends whose son will be 2 in July. Her husband cooked me a fabulous meal and they admitted that they were completely excited about my pregnancy and wanted to talk all about it. It was fascinating, because I’d always heard that once you’re pregnant every woman wants to regale you with the stories of their pregnancy – and here I was, a mere 4 weeks 4 days “with child” and already they were treating me differently. It really was like they’d been dying for me to get admitted to their fancy-country club and now that I had they couldn’t wait to talk about how perfect the water in the pool always is and which cabana boys they prefer.

I was a bit at a loss. I was so grateful for their enthusiasm and joy, but I don’t think they’ll ever understand how this is going to be a different experience for me. I told them how my first ultrasound is Friday and my dear friend started talking about how great they are, and how she didn’t even have to undress, but just rolled the waistline down a bit. I had to smile and explain that, “yeah, um, that’s not what this one will be like.”

On the other hand, I really don’t know what this one will be like either.