Friday, July 29, 2005

And Now For Something Completely Different…

I got a little teary at the end of today’s monitoring appointment. That in itself is nothing new, but the reason for the eyes watering is that I’m excited. And hopeful. And I think it’s going to work this month. Of course, if it doesn’t I will hit a new depth of depression and frustration not seen since Matt & Ben tried making a hit movie with their Project Greenlight.

It’s my RE’s fault I’m so encouraged. He personally performed my ultrasounds yesterday and today (not usual – generally you just go in the rotation and one of the many docs takes notes; yesterday he specifically told me that I should ask for him this morning) and said this morning that everything is great. The facts are that I have five follicles all between 15 & 18mm ready for triggering tonight. Lining looks great. Yesterday’s E2 level was 736. But what really sparked the surge of optimism is that after saying I had five perfect follicles he felt the need to warn me about the risk of multiples. Sure, when we’ve discussed various procedures in the past I’ve heard the speech – but never on trigger day. Never not as a hypothetical. Never because my body warrants such counsel.

Of course, I p’shawed his concern away. Multiples shmultiples. And he said, “Twins would be okay, but triplets…” I was so blasé about it all. “Whatever.” He continued “Would you ever consider reducing…” and I threw out a non-chalant “Sure. I have no problem with that.” And then he was gone and I was dressed and all I could think was “He thinks we’ll hit the target this time.”

But while on the bus to work my mind returned to my carefree attitude about multiples. Of course, at this stage, isn’t it a “problem” (I can barely let myself type that word to describe it) any IF would love to have? It’s up there with colicky babies and inability to find babysitters. Honestly, I know that if by some miracle, I ended up with 3 embryos growing inside me, I wouldn’t think twice about reducing it to 2. And that makes me feel guilty. Not for doing it, but for having no qualms about doing so. As if, since I’ve experienced infertility, shouldn’t I feel differently about selective reduction? As I write this, I see though, that it’s probably good I don’t feel differently. Yes, infertility has affected me in many, many ways, but I’m still the same girl I was when I was on the pill. I’m still the girl who believes fiercely in a woman’s right to choose whether or not to have a child. In fact, if infertility hasn’t changed my mind on that subject, I don’t think anything will.

So let me be the poster child for the right to choose. Let me have to face the tough decision for myself. Prove the adage “Be careful what you wish for.” I’m ready.


Blogger Mony said...

Excited & hopeful.
Two of my favourite things!
You keep that amazing attitude flying, babe. I am feeling nothing but excited & hopeful for you!

July 29, 2005 11:59 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Yes, excited and hopeful is good. By the way, H and I thought through the higher order multiples thing and feel the same way that you do. Don't feel bad about that - it's the right thing to do for you and the pregnancy if that's what happens.

July 29, 2005 12:00 PM  
Anonymous P. said...

Yippee - five follies! I will be thinking about you.

July 29, 2005 12:10 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

I'm excited for you as well!!

July 29, 2005 1:55 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

Yay for five fab follies!

I gotta say I'm of a like mind when it comes to the right to choose. I spent much of my 20s advocating that including going to marches in Washington and being an activist. I still feel that way (maybe even more strongly) as I try so hard to get pregnant.

July 29, 2005 2:51 PM  
Anonymous Brenda said...

Yay for the 5 follicles.

And good for you for still believing in a woman's right to choose. Oddly enough, going through this IF battle almost makes my beliefs stronger... which so many people don't seem to get.

Good luck!

July 29, 2005 2:58 PM  
Blogger Chee Chee said...

5 follies are great! I am hoping for the best for you.

And I totally agree with you on the issues of pro-choice and SRT, I can't imagine carrying more than two babies. Now hopefully, I'll have one . . .

July 29, 2005 3:14 PM  
Blogger Larisa said...

So happy to read your excited post. I so hope this happens for you. I'm glad you are still you.

July 29, 2005 3:26 PM  
Anonymous B. Mare said...

I think it's so hard to get your head around the idea of what multiples would really mean when you are so desperate for even one to stick that you are trying to give yourself the best possible chance. And therein lies the dilemma- by increasing your odds, you are increasing your risks. Ugh.

Thinking good thoughts for you that it all works out to plan!

July 29, 2005 4:58 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

5! I'm with you on the right to choose, and used to think I would reduce if need be. After my two miscarriages, I can't do it anymore though. But I still think you should be able to choose what is best for you.

July 29, 2005 5:41 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

So glad to hear the doc is optimistic! That is awesome. I am really hoping for you.

Those multiple issues often work themselves out. We would have been overjoyed to have twins, but as you know, it hasn't turned out that way for us.

I'm with you, just see what happens and deal with it when you get there.

Good luck!!!

July 29, 2005 5:44 PM  
Anonymous anne said...

Good luck this month! You will do whatever is right for you if the issue of multiples comes up. Hey, I now believe ANYTHING is possible.

July 29, 2005 6:27 PM  
Anonymous kitty_lover said...

I'm happy to see your optimism and am keeping my fingers crossed as usual!!

July 29, 2005 7:02 PM  
Blogger k #2 said...

Wow -- we are on the exact same cycle timing. I have 5 follies between 15 and 17 mm for 2 IUIs this weekend. I, too, am feeling extra encouraged by my RE. Yes, I got the "multiples" discussion and I too yelled out "I'll reduce if I have to!" He reassured me "we'll talk about it if we cross that road. Right now, things look great!"

I feel like I should feel guilty being so open to reduction, but I am a teacher. I see kids that were born premature or with learning disabilities and I don't want to do anything that might make one of my own children have more chances of dealing with struggles during his/her life. Yes, I know it might happen with any child, but I never want to be able to blame myself for not giving any of my children the best fighting chance they can get. Otherwise, why would I even bother with all of these crazy IF appointments?

I guess the more I go through IF, the more I am fighting for everyone's rights to choose. I also find myself less judgemental of people's decisions. Sometimes you can't help what you are given. We all deal with things the best we can.

Here's hoping this cycle is the one! Good luck!

July 29, 2005 7:43 PM  
Anonymous korin said...

I am so excited for you! :D I hope you get just as many healthy embryos as you want, and don't need to reduce. That said, I'd do it too.. in a heartbeat. It's the right choice for me, and I will fight to the death for my (and your and her) rights. To the death! ;)

Good luck!!!

July 30, 2005 12:08 AM  
Blogger Spanglish said...

Trigger day is the best!! It's a mini-milestone in treatment. I hope all goes well (fingers crossed for TWINS).

July 30, 2005 8:15 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Very encouraging to be having that conversation on trigger day, indeed. I'm sure whatever decison you make will be the right one, its the only kind you can make about yourself.

July 30, 2005 6:34 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Looking good! Keep right on, poster child. You are in good company. I would defend your right to do anything you choose with your body.

July 31, 2005 11:38 AM  
Blogger Internal Spring said...

Well, the Sox are back on top so why not you?

Selective reduction is a humane choice in the face of IF it seems to me, there's a reason why in nature triplets happen rarely - they're not suppose to.

Wishing you a good IUI experience and a quick 2WW.

July 31, 2005 7:56 PM  

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