Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something. -Morihei Ueshiba

Thank you so much for your kind, supportive comments. They mean a great deal to me and it helps to know that I’m not alone in the frustration and disappointment I feel. That being said, I’m handling this much, much better than I ever thought I would. Absolutely there were many, many tears on Saturday. But I surprised both D and myself by not turning to mush for the entire weekend.

Part of it may be that D was remarkably considerate, consoling and caring – obviously quite worried about my mental state. Honestly, he did okay with the taking care of me after the retrieval – but it was after the phone call where he really came through.

But I think a big part of it is that I suspected this could happen. Back when we met with my RE about starting IVF I asked him if ICSI can be done if an egg wasn’t fertilizing – and he explained that once the decision is made to not use ICSI and just go the regular route it can’t be changed. Many of you asked about “rescue ICSI,” and I’ll bring it up at my meeting with my RE next Tuesday, but I suspect that Cornell doesn’t do it since the studies show it doesn’t usually lead to a successful pregnancy.

And with this complete and total failure, there’s a strange part of me that feels some validation of my IF status. I think since there was no explanation for my infertility, despite the obvious lack of success for the past 2 ½ years, I felt like I was kind of faking it. I know that’s ridiculous – but when there’s no logical reason for infertility it’s hard to have your emotions follow logic. But on Saturday I got handed to me on a petri dish a bonafide problem. There may not be an explanation for why it’s a problem, officially my diagnosis may still be “unexplained,” but clearly a problem exists. And I’m just fortunate that there also exists a solution (let’s have a shout out for ICSI!).

So, we’ll do another cycle. My RE mentioned on Saturday that he’d put me on birth control pills, so I guess we’ll be altering my protocol some. But D & I will discuss all this with him on Tuesday. I don’t know when we’ll begin, since we’ve planned a vacation for the last week in March (details to come in another post – but anyone near Monterey, CA interested in getting together?) and will have to work around that. But I’m rearing to go again. Sign me up for another ride.