Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something. -Morihei Ueshiba

Thank you so much for your kind, supportive comments. They mean a great deal to me and it helps to know that I’m not alone in the frustration and disappointment I feel. That being said, I’m handling this much, much better than I ever thought I would. Absolutely there were many, many tears on Saturday. But I surprised both D and myself by not turning to mush for the entire weekend.

Part of it may be that D was remarkably considerate, consoling and caring – obviously quite worried about my mental state. Honestly, he did okay with the taking care of me after the retrieval – but it was after the phone call where he really came through.

But I think a big part of it is that I suspected this could happen. Back when we met with my RE about starting IVF I asked him if ICSI can be done if an egg wasn’t fertilizing – and he explained that once the decision is made to not use ICSI and just go the regular route it can’t be changed. Many of you asked about “rescue ICSI,” and I’ll bring it up at my meeting with my RE next Tuesday, but I suspect that Cornell doesn’t do it since the studies show it doesn’t usually lead to a successful pregnancy.

And with this complete and total failure, there’s a strange part of me that feels some validation of my IF status. I think since there was no explanation for my infertility, despite the obvious lack of success for the past 2 ½ years, I felt like I was kind of faking it. I know that’s ridiculous – but when there’s no logical reason for infertility it’s hard to have your emotions follow logic. But on Saturday I got handed to me on a petri dish a bonafide problem. There may not be an explanation for why it’s a problem, officially my diagnosis may still be “unexplained,” but clearly a problem exists. And I’m just fortunate that there also exists a solution (let’s have a shout out for ICSI!).

So, we’ll do another cycle. My RE mentioned on Saturday that he’d put me on birth control pills, so I guess we’ll be altering my protocol some. But D & I will discuss all this with him on Tuesday. I don’t know when we’ll begin, since we’ve planned a vacation for the last week in March (details to come in another post – but anyone near Monterey, CA interested in getting together?) and will have to work around that. But I’m rearing to go again. Sign me up for another ride.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Molly said...

You have got it together, girl. I would still be on the floor with the cake.

I understand what you mean by saying that you feel like an "official" infertile now that you have an idea what the issue is. Makes perfect sense to me.

Hoping that ICSI is the key that unlocks this enigma.

February 15, 2006 4:52 PM  
Blogger Spanglish said...

I'm proud of you for taking this so well.

February 15, 2006 6:42 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...

I know what you mean about finding a reason for the IF and being validated. As we gear up for IVF, I'm pretty curious if the process itself will divulge any answers.
I'm glad you're hanging in there and feeling ready to have another go at it. Three cheers for ICSI!!
Oh, and I can't wait to hear the vacation details!

February 15, 2006 7:27 PM  
Blogger Larisa said...

I'm amazed at your strength and ability to (somehow) see a light in this situation. You are right, thank goodness for ICSI...and even if the "label" is unexplained - boy do you have proof something isn't working right.

Thinking of you. I wish I still lived in CA - I'd meet you in a heartbeat!

February 15, 2006 7:50 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

Total shout out for icsi. Here's to hoping it is jus the trick for the next cycle.

I'm near Monterey. Many of us are in the Bay Area. If I'm not in South Africa again, I'd totally love to meet you.

February 16, 2006 12:15 AM  
Blogger Mony said...

I'm naming our first child ICSI.
That's if I get one of course.

You are close in my thoughts & heart Mellie. This was a great post. As always you are composed & rational. And so true, this failure may be the key to your success. Each mistake does teach us something. Now here's that shout out....."ICSI!!!!"

February 16, 2006 12:58 AM  
Anonymous kittylover said...

You are so strong! I am so glad there is another option that could work for you...I KNOW it will work out for you, though the road is bumpy.

Hey I grew up in the Monterey area...parents are still there...let me know if you need any tips!

-a

February 16, 2006 1:25 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

wow! you sound so in control and strong. that is great. very jealous.

and here is your ICSI shout out "ICSI baby!"

as for the vacation....here is some assvice that you are welcome to ignore: I put my life on hold the past 1.5 years due to TTC, getting preg, MCing. and i know our situations are much different--i have decided to try and live my life while trying for that elusive baby. vacations are part of that. Mr. M and i are off to peru this weekend and while i lament missing a cycle, i know we need the vacation for us.

February 16, 2006 3:12 PM  
Blogger Winnifred said...

First - OMG - sorry this happened to you :(

second... I too praise ICSI on a daily basis... it's what WILL get me my babies!! (hopefully, since it's our ONLY option!)

third... I so know what you mean about the validation... I mean by the time we got our results from any testing it was OBVIOUS something was wrong - obvious. 18 months without getting pregnant at 24? not normal. Still i needed something tangible to hold accountable (or in our case not so tangible: no sperm) anyways - even after getting that it took me a long time to accept that that was "our" reason, "our" dx... it wasn't until recently that i realized that i needed to completely give up the "but what if they're wrong..." feelings - cause frankly now after 2 1/2 yrs OBVIOUSLY if they were wrong (over and over) we'd be pg!

anyways - I'm glad you can see straight in this big mess... and hope that ICSI is the answer to your prayers!!

February 16, 2006 3:41 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Thinking of you, Mellie, as you climb back on.

February 17, 2006 10:57 AM  
Blogger zhl said...

Way to go, Mellie. I'm so proud of you for how you are handling all this. Oh, and only the cool kids are doing ICSI!

Have a great time in Monterey. It's so beautiful there.

February 17, 2006 1:11 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

I'm also near Monterey and would love to meet you! I also know what you mean about validation, I think a lot of us feel like we need to prove that there IS something wrong before we can take that burden off of ourselves.

February 17, 2006 10:48 PM  
Blogger the waiting line said...

I love the Morihei Ueshiba quote.

ICSI sounds like an excellent lesson from this go round. It's a solution you can wrap your head around. That's awesome.

Enjoy your vacation!

February 19, 2006 9:53 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Oh I love Monterey. Beautiful place!

Glad that you had a sensible discussion with the doctor. As you say, shout out for ICSI!

PS if you read through julianna's archives I think you'll find she had a bad experience with rescue ICSI. As you say, not recommended.

February 20, 2006 10:26 AM  
Blogger Fertility Faux Pas said...

ICSI has been a godsend for me, and I'm hoping so much that it will be the turning point for you too.

Way to keep yourself so composed during such a painfully difficult time. You are an inspiration and I'm so proud of you.

February 22, 2006 3:27 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

What an amazing strength you have. I find it very inspiring. ICSI is very successful and definately the way to go.

February 26, 2006 11:18 PM  

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