Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Two Great Things That Don't Work Together

Remember when you all thought I had it together and was being so strong? I sort of relapsed over the weekend. I don’t know what happened, but starting Friday night and all of Saturday I was one mopey, forlorn gal. And I couldn’t explain why. D asked if it was “For the usual reason?” and I couldn’t even say it was. But isn’t it sad that I have a usual reason? The usual is supposed to be your daily drink, or your daily lunch order – not the daily reason for tears. By Saturday night I was thinking that perhaps my mood was mostly due to my hormones – could I just be premenstrual? And sure enough my period arrived in her red splendor by Monday. The cycle of IVF #1 is officially over.

Fortunately, my mood has picked up somewhat. We met with my RE yesterday and discussed both the failure and the future. I learned that rescue ICSI can only be done if failure to fertilize was after ICSI – they can’t do it after trying the regular way because there is no way to be sure that a sperm did not penetrate the egg and had one, it would be very, very bad. He told me that while they can’t really tell how mature my eggs were since they don’t strip them down the way they do for ICSI, the embryologists did expect 14 of my eggs to have fertilized when they left them in the dish. D is making an appointment with an urologist to see if they can identify anything that might help us, though the RE didn’t expect that to be the case. And the new plan is to take this cycle off, and when my period next arrives to go on the pill and start suppressing for IVF#2. My RE said he’d probably not put me on Repronex at all – just the Follistim since he didn’t want me to do the coasting thing again. Updated to add: And yes, we will be ICSIing all eggs retrieved. He was quite complementary about my eggs – saying that taking this month off was not at all a bad thing, and that my eggs have no sign of not being good quality. The thing is that sometimes they just don’t fertilize. For some strange reason, I keep thinking it’s the opposite of Reses Peanut Butter Cups.

So, you know, we wait.

Meanwhile, I want to extol the virtues of the Ipod. My cousin recently told me that she’d make love to hers if she could, and I thought she was being hyperbolic – then I was given one for Valentine’s Day. The first day I used it was actually while I was in the waiting room for the Retrieval, and I’ve carried it with me on my daily commutes ever since. I honestly think my Ipod is part of the reason I haven’t been depressed. Listening to my favorite music for an hour and a half each day makes me feel good and can totally help control my mood. As Spanglish wrote recently – we NEED music, and I had forgotten. I’m enjoying making a soundtrack to my life and the Ipod does it so well: if I need to pick up my spirits and get a little rowdy I program Blink-182, if I want to ruminate there’s Tori Amos, and I’m loving listening to all the old albums from the 1990s that I haven’t played in years - all with just a little turn of a wheel. Music can be the best therapy.

And here’s today’s question of the day: Did I really do IVF if the F never happened?


Blogger fisher queen said...

I think so. You suffered enough for one!

Will you do ICSI for IVF #2?

February 22, 2006 4:26 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I think it still counts as IVF too.

My clinic though said if none of my eggs fertilized they would have my husband come back the next day, give another sample, then they would do ICSI. We didn't do ICSI, but I had several eggs fertilize with more than one sperm and they were able to tell those without an issue. What the RE is saying isn't making sense to me. I am glad you're mood is a bit better though.

February 22, 2006 4:53 PM  
Blogger the waiting line said...

I'm really sorry about this past cycle. And, you know what? If you don't want to count it as IVF#1, then don't - that's what I say. :-)

hoo-rah for iPod!!

music = therapy
red wine + music = GREAT therapy (in my opinion)

try "Somersault" by Zero 7.

yours truly,

February 22, 2006 5:09 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...

It only counts if you want it to.
I'm glad to hear your mood is better and you've worked out a plan for the upcoming cycle. I hope the waiting moves quickly for you.

February 22, 2006 6:19 PM  
Blogger Mony said...

Absolutely, you did IVF.
The needles.
The appointments.
The retrieval.
The sperm collection.
The waiting.
The nerves.
The disappointment.

Don't dismiss all you've been through...notch it up on your bravery stick. You earned these stripes.

February 23, 2006 1:18 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Oh yes, I am in love with my ipod, too. Very sensible thing to be.

I'm not surprised that you've been so up and down. I do think that not coasting would be a good idea - plus also didn't you take your trigger shot just the night before retrieval? Isn't that a day too late? I haven't said anything before now because I figure your fandabidozi clinic know what they're doing but it did puzzle me at the time.

Hoping that the short break before #2 won't be too onerous.

February 24, 2006 3:24 AM  
Blogger Larisa said...

I think it counts...

I'm glad they'll plan on ICSI for next time. And I'm hoping the time will fly for you.

Have more fun with that iPod!

February 24, 2006 7:07 AM  
Blogger Spanglish said...

Thanks for the shout out :) I was surprised and flattered.

Yes, you really did do IVF. And I'm sure #2 is going to be a smashing success. It sucks that this one crashed, but a big question has been answered -- the path will get easier.

In the meantime -- rock on!!

February 24, 2006 11:01 AM  
Blogger April said...

I concur, you've definitely suffered enough for this to "count." But, as others before me have said, it only counts if you want it to.

Thinking of you and hoping this cycle off gives you time and perspective for the next round.

February 24, 2006 2:04 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

Someone asked me the other day what CDs I am listening to and I stared back at them blankly. CDs? Who listens to CDs when I can listen to every single song by different artists that I love, in the order I love them? There is a soundtrack to our lives, and getting to pick what you want or need to hear is great therapy. Can you tell I love my iPod?? I would have to agree with most others that you can count this as IVF#1 if you want to. Here's hoping you have many more lovely eggs next time.

February 25, 2006 5:23 PM  

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