Boys
Some random stories I’ve been meaning to share:
A couple weeks ago I called anex-boyfriend old friend for our bi-monthly (as in every 2 months or so) catch-up call. He is, of course, father to a 15 month-old girl and his wife (now 39 years old) got pregnant soon after they started trying. I had the pleasure of telling him about our failed IVF cycle and our future plans for trying. His response was “Just do it. Don’t worry about the money – spend all you can. Don’t give up.”
I didn’t really know how to respond. I had expected typical assvice from him – after all, when I first told him of our difficulties years ago his first question was “Whose fault is it?” But to tell me not to give up, well, I just didn’t expect that – ‘cuz it’s not assvice really. It was heartening in a strange way. Sure, part of me was all “Easy for you to say,” but if I’m honest with myself I have to admit that I liked hearing it. It was almost exactly what I wanted to hear because I’m not ready to give up yet. I have to believe that if we keep trying one of these days it’ll work. That money isn’t what I should be concerned about; that in the end, it will all be worth it.
So, since that phone call I’ve been constantly replaying his instructions in my mind. Wise words can come from the strangest places.
* * *
And then there’s my D.
He was completely oblivious to what IVF really meant the day before retrieval. He just wanted to know what time his appointment was going to be. When I told him that I wanted him to stay with me he was a little perturbed (he at least had the good sense to know that he landed himself in hot water for that, though he didn’t know why). Then, when we got off the bus the next morning to check-in at the hospital, D started walking towards the clinic doors, and it was than that I realized he had no idea how different this egg retrieval/IVF process is than from the past IUIs we had done. I had to inform him that we weren’t going to the same place as we had for the IUIs, but to a hospital, where I would be under general anesthesia while they pierced my vaginal wall to remove the eggs. I think then he finally realized what a bigger deal IVF was.
The morning after they retrieved my beautiful 17 eggs, as we lay in bed before receiving the bad news from my doctor, we had the most realistic conversation yet about IVF and parenting and pregnancy. It was the first time that I felt like D was invested at all in the outcome of a cycle. He asked what we would do if I ended up pregnant with twins (“keep ‘em and hope they make it) and then what would we do if I ended up pregnant with triplets (“Silly D, I won’t BE able to get pregnant with triplets – the most we’d put back is 2”). We talked about what I should do the day of the beta test (“I’m not telling you the result over the phone. I’m coming to your office ‘cuz either way I’ll need you"). It had been a really nice morning. For the first time, I think D really thought that this would be it.
Then, of course, the bad news came. And he comforted me admirably. That afternoon, as we lay back in bed, he started talking about future tries. He started asking about other options and even brought up donor sperm (“You could use real Jewish sperm!”). I, tearful already because of our failure, and then even more moved that he’d consider such things, could only respond with “I can’t talk about that stuff yet.” And my darling D was, of course, fine with that. He had only been “thinking aloud” and didn’t mean we had to DO anything.
Honestly, I think I’m incredibly lucky that D isn’t dying to become a father, because if he was as equally devastated I’d I feel the need to be brave and strong and I don’t think I could do that.
Meanwhile, he’s got an appointment with a urologist next week. We’ll see if anything new comes of it. I don’t expect it will, but regardless the two things I’m sure of are:
1. I couldn’t have found a better man for me than D
2. I’m not giving up.
A couple weeks ago I called an
I didn’t really know how to respond. I had expected typical assvice from him – after all, when I first told him of our difficulties years ago his first question was “Whose fault is it?” But to tell me not to give up, well, I just didn’t expect that – ‘cuz it’s not assvice really. It was heartening in a strange way. Sure, part of me was all “Easy for you to say,” but if I’m honest with myself I have to admit that I liked hearing it. It was almost exactly what I wanted to hear because I’m not ready to give up yet. I have to believe that if we keep trying one of these days it’ll work. That money isn’t what I should be concerned about; that in the end, it will all be worth it.
So, since that phone call I’ve been constantly replaying his instructions in my mind. Wise words can come from the strangest places.
* * *
And then there’s my D.
He was completely oblivious to what IVF really meant the day before retrieval. He just wanted to know what time his appointment was going to be. When I told him that I wanted him to stay with me he was a little perturbed (he at least had the good sense to know that he landed himself in hot water for that, though he didn’t know why). Then, when we got off the bus the next morning to check-in at the hospital, D started walking towards the clinic doors, and it was than that I realized he had no idea how different this egg retrieval/IVF process is than from the past IUIs we had done. I had to inform him that we weren’t going to the same place as we had for the IUIs, but to a hospital, where I would be under general anesthesia while they pierced my vaginal wall to remove the eggs. I think then he finally realized what a bigger deal IVF was.
The morning after they retrieved my beautiful 17 eggs, as we lay in bed before receiving the bad news from my doctor, we had the most realistic conversation yet about IVF and parenting and pregnancy. It was the first time that I felt like D was invested at all in the outcome of a cycle. He asked what we would do if I ended up pregnant with twins (“keep ‘em and hope they make it) and then what would we do if I ended up pregnant with triplets (“Silly D, I won’t BE able to get pregnant with triplets – the most we’d put back is 2”). We talked about what I should do the day of the beta test (“I’m not telling you the result over the phone. I’m coming to your office ‘cuz either way I’ll need you"). It had been a really nice morning. For the first time, I think D really thought that this would be it.
Then, of course, the bad news came. And he comforted me admirably. That afternoon, as we lay back in bed, he started talking about future tries. He started asking about other options and even brought up donor sperm (“You could use real Jewish sperm!”). I, tearful already because of our failure, and then even more moved that he’d consider such things, could only respond with “I can’t talk about that stuff yet.” And my darling D was, of course, fine with that. He had only been “thinking aloud” and didn’t mean we had to DO anything.
Honestly, I think I’m incredibly lucky that D isn’t dying to become a father, because if he was as equally devastated I’d I feel the need to be brave and strong and I don’t think I could do that.
Meanwhile, he’s got an appointment with a urologist next week. We’ll see if anything new comes of it. I don’t expect it will, but regardless the two things I’m sure of are:
1. I couldn’t have found a better man for me than D
2. I’m not giving up.
posted by Mellie at 4:50 PM
10 Comments:
Those are two very good things to be sure of. Isn't it funny how people can surprise you with the things they say. I think I'm so used to the surprise being negative that it makes a positive surprise even better.
I like both those stories. As Lori said, it's the positive surpises that inspire us. I thought your old "friend" spoke with supportive brilliance. Never give up. We need to hear that oh so often. We feel "Never Give Up" in our bones, it becomes apart of us. AND it's so much more powerful than "Oh well, maybe next time"....."Oh, keep your chin up" etc.
Go D as well. It's great for our husband's to bear witness to our strength. Peter has been calling me "Captain Trooper" lately and I must say, I like it & deserve it!
I'm so awed by your strength and resolve.
Don't give up, indeed. You can do it, Mel.
-D.
Hello! That was a touching post. Maybe some renewed strength has arrived when you needed it-- yes, don't give up! D is a great man, and you're blessed to have each other through all of this. Stay strong!
All we can do is plod forward.
The only truly valuable thing infertility has given me is the awareness that my love for my husband can grow and grow.
Our husbands deserve so much credit for everything they go through and for all the support they give us.
Awesome post girl! You CAN do it... push on forward!!
I'm so pleased you had two such positive experiences to share. I think your friend's remark was a lot more helpful than what most people say to me, which is "It will happen". That, I want to punch them for.
I'm glad you have D, too.
Mellie, it's got to be so difficult to be so close and so far away at the same time. I'm glad you have each other and I'm glad he deserves you.
Bravo! I am glad to hear that you are going to continue to persue parenthood. There are few things in life worth spending every dime on. Your health, and your family's health. That includes tring to have a baby. If a you spend oodles of money on IVF, evern $45K, that is still less than most luxury cars, and they don't grow up and make you proud, snuggle in your lap, or say "I love you, mommy". It's worth every penny.
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