Friday, March 03, 2006

Losing Grip

Earlier today I was walking across the plaza to buy lunch while listening to Avril Lavigne (what of it?) on my ipod sing:

You weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone

And all of a sudden the tears that I’ve been holding back burst forth. I’ve been feeling sad and down all week, and had been able to brush aside those feelings – but today they couldn’t be reined in. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I suspect it stems from feeling useless.

This is an adjective I’ve used to describe myself to D before – and he always berates me when I say it. But it’s hard not to feel this way. I’ve had NOTHING to do at work for over a week now. I’m not needed there. D makes all the $$ we need anyway, so why do I even bother working? And we all know about my attempts to become a mother - instances where my body really has shown just how useless it can be.

I’m sure this doom and gloom stems from being stuck in another holding pattern. Plus, I’m becoming less optimistic about the results of the next IVF cycle and more scared that ICSI isn’t going to be our salvation. I’d been so good recently about getting myself psyched up – hell, I’ve even been to 3 pilates/yoga classes this week – that I guess I was due for a crying jag.

I wish I could say it helped.


Blogger the waiting line said...

. . . try crying IN your workout class. I did. now that's humiliating. :-)

March 03, 2006 6:47 PM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

Okay, longtime lurker here. My blog is noted here. And this is my opinion - you can take it or leave it.

You sound like I sound sometimes - like you need to feel useful. I get that way during slow times at work (my job is very feast or famine, and perhaps worse, depends on other people doing their jobs before I do mine). There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel useful.

That being said, maybe you can take advantage of your partner making all you need. Maybe you need a change - whether its starting your own business, or switching to volunteer work.

I have to say, I don't understand the infertility thing. We're not ready (yet) for kids. I can understand about your body not working the way you want it to, and the way you feel it should. Its unfortunate that this is contributing to your feelings, and I get the feeling your partner isn't understanding this - that doesn't help.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel useful. Sometimes, a change is good.

Again, its just my opinion. Its yours to take or leave as you wish or feel is right.

March 03, 2006 10:11 PM  
Blogger Spanglish said...

Mellie, except for the first cycle when I was innocent and hopeful, I always get pessimisstic when I'm in a holding pattern. I always want time to roll by so that I can hurry up and be productive about getting what I want.

You seem like a driven person, and when all you have to do is sit around and wait in order to get to a goal it's maddening.

I don't have any advice at all. I just understand. Your feelings are valid, but please know -- they are temporary. Time will either roll along, or sludge along. Eventually things will pick up, both at work and in your treatment.

Hang in there.

March 04, 2006 7:15 AM  
Blogger Larisa said...

I really do think the waiting, the holding pattern thing is so hard. I always feel like I can't do anything, like I'm stuck...and useless.

I think about you often. And about how strong I think you are.

March 04, 2006 11:27 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

The feelings of failure still linger with me, and I suspect they always will. I'm glad you had a chance to get rid of some of that pent up emotion. I often feel like I have nothing to give anyone, and that I'm not needed anywhere, etc., all the things you've described. The only thing that helps is proving to myself that those thoughts are wrong (sorry if I'm sounding a bit like Dr. Phil here). We will get through this.

March 04, 2006 3:02 PM  
Blogger fisher queen said...

I have felt like that so often. Actually, these days, I'm feeling it constantly. Try to remember that the people around you need you very badly.

Nicole- I didn't understand any of this before I went through it. I think you have to be there in order to get it, or at least be extraordinarily empathetic.

March 04, 2006 4:53 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...

I'm sorry the crying jag didn't help lift your spirits.
I know what it's like to feel useless and it is the pits.
I'm thinking of you.

March 05, 2006 2:15 PM  
Blogger Jamila said...

I agree that the holding pattern part sucks. Having all that time just makes me retreat into my head and think and rethink things way too much. I hope you feel better once IVF #2 does start. In the meantime, what can we do to help distract you?

March 05, 2006 7:40 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

You are NOT useless! Your body did everything it was supposed to do; you made 17 eggs. That is a remakable number! Once you have ICSI in place, you'll have viable embroys ready for implantation. Keep your head high and know that your IVF sister's are routing for you.

March 05, 2006 10:35 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

yes, the waiting can be the hardest part. and the feelings of useless are totally valid, but know that you are not useless.

OK, i am all about the crazy bloggy comments today, but i am a huge Buffy fan, so here goes a bizarre analogy. In season 6, Buffy was brought back from the dead Her friends thought she was in hell, but actually she had been in heaven. anyway the season revolved around her dealing with feelings of not fitting in the world anymore. I swear there is a point here.

in season 6 there was a musical episode in which Buffy sang this song that sort of captures my feelings in a way, and sounds like you too. the song is called "going through the motions" and sometimes that what life feels like when we are waiting. getting up, working, all life activities is just going through the motions, but sometimes if that is the best you can do, it is OK. we all have times like that.

March 06, 2006 3:00 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Mellie, sometimes it is just one foot in front of the other. I always find that it helps to let out the emotions. Cry, shout, wail, punch pillows. You have to grieve for this last cycle before you will truly be ready to start another.

We are all here to help you. Take my hand.

March 06, 2006 4:04 PM  
Anonymous thalia said...

I'm with stephanie, there's always a buffy analogy if you look hard enough.

We do all know how you feel, but it isn't the case, really it isn't. I call myself barren and my husband HATES it, but actually it's almost a defense for me to call myself that - I want to say it so no one else can. But in no way are you useless. You did great, producing 17 eggs. It just turned out that the problem wasn't production, it was fertilisation. Now you and the docs know that you can do something about it.

Look after yourself.

March 07, 2006 3:18 AM  
Blogger Lut C. said...

I can imagine you being apprehensive about ICSI. What happened in your last cycle is just mind-boggling. Who would imagine that 17 eggs would not result in any embryos. I guess it just eats your trust in the whole process away.

I hope you find a good portion of that trust again before the next try. You need it.

There are a lot of people for whom ICSI does work, there is no reason why it shouldn't be you. I know that's hard to believe in after all you've gone through, but it is true.

March 07, 2006 4:54 PM  
Blogger Mony said...

Mellie,there is so much wasted time in bewteen cycles, so much empty time. Time that our minds use against us. Every spare minute is one that can be used to scutinise & agonise over our experiences & losses. That's when the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness smother you. The more you learn with IF the more vunerable you become. Oh, if only we were clueless...but alas, we are wise and therefore more tortured! The quite days at your work are an added thorn in your side.
I've never found it more difficult to keep my chin up than I do right now.
I admire you & treasure your support & cyber-friendship. Onward Mellie, it's our only choice.

March 07, 2006 6:21 PM  
Blogger Mony said...

Apologies for my woeful spelling. It bugs me no end when I appear to be a lousy speller! I am actually quite good.
The least of my worries...and YOURS for that matter!

March 07, 2006 8:32 PM  
Blogger Tiff said...

I am sorry you are feeling so down.

March 07, 2006 9:52 PM  

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