Meltdown

I had a minor freak-out last night - or, as a college roommate used to put it daily, I had a nervous breakdown. Really, I just let my anxiety and nervousness about today’s beta test get the best of me.

We had just finished watching Million Dollar Baby and, of course, that started the whole waterworks. But I calmed myself down and started to get ready for bed, when I noticed the 3 mosquito bite-like, possible pimples on my back that I first noticed on Friday night seemed to have multiplied and taken up even greater space on my back. So what could I do but cry about it?

Poor D didn’t know what to do. I wanted my mother’s magic cream to put on this mysterious rash, but we don’t have anything remotely appropriate in the house. I proceeded to stamp my feet and thrash my arms like the two-year-old I so desperately want. D kept asking “What is it?” And only when I told him that I was nervous about the beta today did he accept that as the reason for my insane behavior.

Sometime today I’ll get a phone call that will tell me the state of things. There is no more room for Hope and Optimism – it either is or isn’t. And the thing is, I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel pregnant. So not only am I nervous and anxious, now I’m scared. Because if this IUI didn’t work, I can’t logically believe another IUI would. If this IUI didn’t work, I think I’m resigned to IVF.

Please let this IUI have worked.