Who Knew It Could Be This Way?

I never expected to feel this way. The feelings coursing through me are relief, excitement and happiness. After such a long wait, I didn’t realize how heavy a burden I was carrying; to have it lifted from me has freed me in an unimaginable way.

I write, of course, of becoming a homeowner. The apartment closing on Friday went smoothly enough, we were handed the keys and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Well, of course, if I were to find out next week that I was pregnant, I would be more thrilled; I imagine I would feel all those emotions I listed above threefold. But for now, as D says, I have a “two-track mind.” If I start getting sad or mopey at the sight of a newborn, D says that at least now he can switch my focus to the apartment and my face lights up again.

I have to admit, I’m in a great mood at the moment. I was more productive today at work than I’ve been in a really long time. I could concentrate on getting things done. I didn’t feel the need to go on the internet for a distraction. I didn’t check my bloglines subscription. I spent most of my work day actually doing work. Seriously, I don’t know when the last time was where I didn’t spend an hour plus surfing the web. But I feel more like my old self; I’m making phone calls; e-mailing people back; I don’t even feel the need to only veg out in front of the T.V. I mean, here it is, 10pm on a weeknight and I’m writing a blog entry. I’m just so excited!

Granted, with every twinge and flutter in my abdomen/uterus/ovaries (‘cuz honestly, I can’t tell where these crampy things are happening) my mind wonders if I have an implanted fertilized egg growing inside me. But, I’m pretty content to wait it out until the blood test on next Monday. What will be will be. And if not now, I think we may be done with all treatments until I’m covered by D’s insurance and we start IVF.

Of course, I’m so hoping that at least one of those five follicles transformed itself (with some help from D’s guys) into our child-to-be. What with everyone’s reaction being “such a big place for just the two of you” when learning about the size of the apartment, it would be extra nice. In fact, when we were doing the apartment walk-thru on Thursday night we met some neighbors, (a couple our age with a 14-month old, naturally) they said to us “And you have twins, right?” And at the closing itself the seller also referred to our twin children. I can only hope it’s a premonition of what life in the new apartment will bring.