Wednesday, September 28, 2005

34 and Counting…

So I turned 34 last week. And that’s all there is to say about that.

Things that are good in my life right now:

1. The new apartment is great. The views from the living room and the roof deck are spectacular. Honestly, sitting on the roof with a glass of wine looking out at the Manhattan skyline, the GW Bridge and the Hudson River make us feel like we’re on vacation. D really, really loves the apartment – which just makes me feel good. It’s strange, because I had (in a way that is most unusual for me) been rather disappointed with very nitpicky things about the apartment – an errant paint drip, a scuff on the hardwood – that was really upsetting me. But to see D so enthusiastic about it really brought me up.

2. D also doesn’t have to travel again on business this year. He was supposed to be leaving Sunday, but the case settled so he’s staying at home. And he’s in a great place with work at the moment which is nice, too. I’m so very proud of him.

3. My parents are coming to visit for the weekend. I’m excited for them to see the apartment now that the boxes are unpacked and we’re more settled in.

4. I’ve been doing Pilates every weekday morning for over a week now, in my effort to get myself back on the right track.

5. The Red Sox are in first place.

Things that aren’t so good in my life right now:

1. The Red Sox are tied with the Yankees for first place. And tied with the Yankees and the Indians for the Wild Card. It’s going to be a stressful 5 days as they battle it out for a Playoff spot.

2. I’m in a “feeling ugly” mode. I’m growing out my hair, so it never looks good. I feel like I don’t have any cute, stylish, flattering clothing to wear. My complexion is not healthy looking. I really need to buy new make-up.

3. This just sitting around waiting to actively ttc again is not doing much for me. How sad is it that it’s insurance that is currently dictating my ttc protocol? I haven’t been doing ANYTHING to get pregnant this month. I’m not charting, I didn’t make my husband have sex on any suspected fertile day, and hell, I even stopped taking prenatal vitamins. Just waiting to start the IVF ride. And there’s at least 2 more months of this limbo. Advice sought: if I go on D’s insurance as of January 1st (and therefore suddenly have insurance which will cover IVF), when should I schedule my first sit-down appt. with my RE to discuss our steps?

4. How long do you think depression can last? I feel like I've been depressed for over a year. Friday night D & I were having a glass of wine on the roof and I think I smiled or went to kiss him or something and he said "What's with you?" and I just said "I'm happy" and he said something like "You haven't been in a really long time" and that just about broke my heart. I don't know if therapy or anything other than having a child is going to fix it. It's just so frustrating! I used to be a pretty happy kind of gal and now I can make myself cry on a moment's notice.

Other things going on:

1. My best friend B is in her first IVF cycle. She finds out on Sunday (if she doesn’t test sooner) the results. If I’m on this many pins and needles for her, I can’t imagine how I’ll be able to concentrate on anything when it’s me.

2. Another best friend just told me that she and her boyfriend are finally moving in together. That makes me happy. I never understood how such a fabulous girl could still be single. It also means that I’m just waiting for my brother to find true love, as I want everyone I care about to have somebody special to share their lives with. (English teachers out there – what is the proper way to write that sentence?)

3. I also want to let all the formerly IF, now pregnant bloggers out there that I didn't mean to imply that I didn't want to hear from you or about you. Honestly, you give me hope and I can't help but want to know how you're doing. Also, I've thought about moving your blogs from my "In the Dugout" section on the right of the page, to a new "All Stars" section - but I think my superstitious nature has prevented me from doing so yet. Let me know when you'd feel comfortable with getting named to the All Star Team. 'Cuz you are all All Stars.

That’s the story from Lake Wobegone. Hope you all are well. And if you’re not rooting for the Yankees, can you join me in rooting against them?


Blogger Chee Chee said...

Happy belated birthday! Your new apartment sounds absolutely fabulous. It's great that you are all settled in and that your husband won't be doing as much traveling.

I'll be pulling for the Red Sox too. I'm a life long Mets fan (sorry about '86) and I just can't help hoping that the Yankees lose whenever possible.

If your coverage under your husband's insurance is effective on January 1st, I would make the appt for as soon after the first as possible.

You posted a question on my blog asking whether I am planning to resume getting acupuncture. I think I should (and will) in preparation for IVF (it can't hurt). I did it from Apr-early Aug. If I could just decide who will do it . . .

Egads, sorry for the long comment.

September 28, 2005 5:34 PM  
Blogger Spanglish said...

The nice thing about English is that it is a living, evolving language. Many an English teacher will skin me for saying that it is O.K. to end a sentence in a preposition. It really, truly is just fine, but purists gets all ticked off about that. So if you want to be a purist, or at least mindful of doing things the old fashioned way, try:

It also means that I’m just waiting for my brother to find true love, as I want everyone I care about to share their lives with somebody special.

Jeremy and I watched Fever Pitch this weekend, and we laughed and laughed. I thought of you.

September 28, 2005 5:37 PM  
Blogger Sheryl said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!!

Oh Mellie, your new apartment sounds amazing! I've never been to NYC but I so very badly want to go. Maybe next year!

I'm not a baseball fan, but sure, I'll root for the Red Sox for ya :)

September 28, 2005 6:16 PM  
Blogger k #2 said...

Happy Belated birthday! I am so glad that you started your post with the positives. That shows a good state of mind right now.

I can relate to wanting to be out of the funk. I, too, just want this nightmare to be over and feel like myself again. Recently was reminded that Harvard did a study on Infertility patients and found that their stress and grief was at a same level as someone how has lost a parent and/or a spouse. So, please don't get beat yourself up over being down. It is hard to deal with this crap.

I will always root against the Yankees, but Go Indians! :)

September 28, 2005 7:46 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

More belated birthday wishes from the Left Coast. Although I cannot imagine living in an apartment now that I've been spoiled by my house in the woods, your's sounds about as good as it gets. Kudos for coming up with so many good things in your life. There will always be bad things but to remember there is good is half the battle. As far as the depression goes, I find mine comes and goes and it's just something I have to deal with, I suspect since we will probably remain childless that it will be a life-long thing.

September 28, 2005 8:53 PM  
Anonymous korin said...

I'll pull for the Red Sox... Hubby HATES the yankees.. only because they win too much.. sooo.. he's a default Red Sox fan. ;)

Waiting for your insurance company to TTC is lame-ass-shit. Sucks.

September 28, 2005 9:30 PM  
Blogger Larisa said...

Happy 34th birthday. Glad the apartment is so lovely. And double glad that your husband won't be traveling nearly so much.

I'm happy that you've had some true happy moments recently - may they continue!!!

Um, let's see. Make the consult appt for Jan 2nd? Unless the consult appt is covered under your current insurance.

September 29, 2005 7:12 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Happy birthday sweetie. May this be a wonderful year for you. I am v v jealous of the apartment, it sounds lovely.

I'm sorry you are sad. Maybe this is just a time when you will be sad. Most important thing is not to beat yourself up about it.

Go see the RE on 2 jan.

Can't comment on baseball, sorry. Am ignorant english chick.

September 29, 2005 6:40 PM  
Blogger k #2 said...

Ok. I admit the Indians suck...always have, always will. We Ohio fans are used to failure when it counts! :)

So, after Indians lost last night I announced "I am rooting for the Red Sox now for Mellie." My DH looked at me like I was crazed.

Of course, he doesn't know I blog so I can see why he thought I had lost it! :)

September 29, 2005 6:58 PM  

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