Wednesday, September 28, 2005

34 and Counting…

So I turned 34 last week. And that’s all there is to say about that.

Things that are good in my life right now:

1. The new apartment is great. The views from the living room and the roof deck are spectacular. Honestly, sitting on the roof with a glass of wine looking out at the Manhattan skyline, the GW Bridge and the Hudson River make us feel like we’re on vacation. D really, really loves the apartment – which just makes me feel good. It’s strange, because I had (in a way that is most unusual for me) been rather disappointed with very nitpicky things about the apartment – an errant paint drip, a scuff on the hardwood – that was really upsetting me. But to see D so enthusiastic about it really brought me up.

2. D also doesn’t have to travel again on business this year. He was supposed to be leaving Sunday, but the case settled so he’s staying at home. And he’s in a great place with work at the moment which is nice, too. I’m so very proud of him.

3. My parents are coming to visit for the weekend. I’m excited for them to see the apartment now that the boxes are unpacked and we’re more settled in.

4. I’ve been doing Pilates every weekday morning for over a week now, in my effort to get myself back on the right track.

5. The Red Sox are in first place.

Things that aren’t so good in my life right now:

1. The Red Sox are tied with the Yankees for first place. And tied with the Yankees and the Indians for the Wild Card. It’s going to be a stressful 5 days as they battle it out for a Playoff spot.

2. I’m in a “feeling ugly” mode. I’m growing out my hair, so it never looks good. I feel like I don’t have any cute, stylish, flattering clothing to wear. My complexion is not healthy looking. I really need to buy new make-up.

3. This just sitting around waiting to actively ttc again is not doing much for me. How sad is it that it’s insurance that is currently dictating my ttc protocol? I haven’t been doing ANYTHING to get pregnant this month. I’m not charting, I didn’t make my husband have sex on any suspected fertile day, and hell, I even stopped taking prenatal vitamins. Just waiting to start the IVF ride. And there’s at least 2 more months of this limbo. Advice sought: if I go on D’s insurance as of January 1st (and therefore suddenly have insurance which will cover IVF), when should I schedule my first sit-down appt. with my RE to discuss our steps?

4. How long do you think depression can last? I feel like I've been depressed for over a year. Friday night D & I were having a glass of wine on the roof and I think I smiled or went to kiss him or something and he said "What's with you?" and I just said "I'm happy" and he said something like "You haven't been in a really long time" and that just about broke my heart. I don't know if therapy or anything other than having a child is going to fix it. It's just so frustrating! I used to be a pretty happy kind of gal and now I can make myself cry on a moment's notice.

Other things going on:

1. My best friend B is in her first IVF cycle. She finds out on Sunday (if she doesn’t test sooner) the results. If I’m on this many pins and needles for her, I can’t imagine how I’ll be able to concentrate on anything when it’s me.

2. Another best friend just told me that she and her boyfriend are finally moving in together. That makes me happy. I never understood how such a fabulous girl could still be single. It also means that I’m just waiting for my brother to find true love, as I want everyone I care about to have somebody special to share their lives with. (English teachers out there – what is the proper way to write that sentence?)

3. I also want to let all the formerly IF, now pregnant bloggers out there that I didn't mean to imply that I didn't want to hear from you or about you. Honestly, you give me hope and I can't help but want to know how you're doing. Also, I've thought about moving your blogs from my "In the Dugout" section on the right of the page, to a new "All Stars" section - but I think my superstitious nature has prevented me from doing so yet. Let me know when you'd feel comfortable with getting named to the All Star Team. 'Cuz you are all All Stars.

That’s the story from Lake Wobegone. Hope you all are well. And if you’re not rooting for the Yankees, can you join me in rooting against them?

Monday, September 26, 2005

23/5 Courtesy of Thalia

So, Thalia tagged me with this little blog game:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

As it so happens, my twenty-third post was only four sentences long! On the other hand, it’s as relevant now as it was then.

And because I follow instructions, I’m tagging Teresa, Chee Chee, Katie, Donnie, and Susie to play.

I promise to post another update this week – hopefully with apartment pictures since that’s the major happening in my life right now.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A Brief Update

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. I’ve been hiding for various reasons.

Part of the reason for the absence was due to being overwhelmed with moving into a new apartment with D out of town; part of the reason was because, with D out of town, there was no ttc stuff to discuss; and part of it, I hate to say, is because it’s hard for me to read the pregnancy blogs. I am so very hopeful and happy for all the former Infertiles who found their way off the island – but reading of their progress is, for me, like watching the end of the World Series when the Red Sox didn’t even play: I like watching the enthusiasm and joy on the players faces, but it’s not the same as when my team wins.

The good news in my life is that I am settled, if not unpacked, in a fabulous, large apartment and much of the moving/renovation hassles are done. I believe that today is the final day of work in the apartment. We have much to do in setting the place up and buying new furniture, but the move/work related stress is done.

The bad news is that I turn 34 next week and am rather depressed by the thought that I’m not any closer to having the family I so crave. I’m done with the IUIs. I’m trying to decide if I should bother temping and using the fertility monitor these next few months while I wait to go on D’s insurance and prepare for IVF in January.

And I’ve been worried about my menstrual cycle. Last month I must have spotted every day the last 2 weeks of my cycle – which itself only lasted 23 days. And my period this month only lasted a few days. Is all that a physical manifestation of my declining fertility?

So that’s where things are with me. I apologize if I alarmed anyone. When I have news to report I promise I’ll go back to posting more frequently. And I will be checking in on each of you too, because, despite what I wrote earlier, I do want to see each of you holding your own prize.