Tuesday, June 28, 2005

100 Little Things

So, the spa Friday afternoon was fun. I spent way too much money on facial products. Ever since I went off BCP my face has been breaking out like crazy; the influx of hormones from IF treatments surely hasn’t helped. As a result, I’ve become super self-conscious about the way my skin looks and have been on a desperate search for a miracle cure for that glowing, blemish-free complexion. I’ve been using ProActiv, but can’t say it’s done much for me. So I succumbed to the facial lady’s sale pitch and pulled out the credit card. Maybe since this cycle will be au naturel, my face will suffer less?

I also think that since I won’t have anything to say about IF treatments for awhile, it might be a good time now to let you all know a little bit more about me. Thus, without further ado, I present my version of 100 Things To Know About Me:

  1. No one in the real world calls me Mellie (unless it’s used as “Mellie-Mel”). I chose it as my blogger screen name in a silly attempt to conceal my true identity from anyone that might know me in the physical world who happens across my blog. But really, after reading my entries, how dense would you have to be to not know if it was me or not?
  2. D was the first man I ever slept with and hopefully he’ll be the last.
  3. There were 6 other guys, and I’m grateful for them. I’d know I’d regret it if I’d only ever been with D.
  4. Out of my 7, I regret 1.
  5. My family is a close-knit one. We don’t speak daily, but my parents (currently married for 36 years) raised us (I have 2 younger brothers) to believe that family is the most important thing.
  6. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons having a child is a must for me. In my head, D & I are just a couple – not a family. It’s like that Sleeping in Seattle moment when Meg Ryan’s in the car playing “I spy.”
  7. In February I began volunteering once a week at a homeless shelter reading one-on-one with kids aged 5- 12.
  8. I took a crochet class last September and love it. My mom’s a world-class knitter, so I like that I’m kind of following in her footsteps. I’m currently working on my first baby blanket, which I’m hopeful I’ll get to use next year.
  9. I have three girlfriends that I truly consider my best friends.
  10. I like to travel. My favorite vacation was my honeymoon (11 days in Greece, visiting Athens, Santorini and Crete).
  11. Living in New York City is fun, but part of me really wants to live in a suburb. But I think telling people outside of NY that I live in the city makes me sound cool.
  12. Snakes scare me.
  13. I think the best thing about me is that I’m fiercely loyal.
  14. I wish I were funnier.
  15. I thought I’d be a better boss than I am. My assistant drives me crazy a lot, and I’m too shy to offer any criticism.
  16. In college I was a D.J. at the school radio station. I had a Broadway show tune show on Sunday mornings.
  17. My favorite musicals are Into the Woods and Once on this Island. (And, I swear I just realized this, both of them have infertility as part of the plot. That’s a little disturbing.)
  18. In 4th grade I was voted the “Friendliest” person in the class.
  19. Growing up I was never concerned about my weight, but ever since my sister-in-law said I “could stand to gain 10 pounds” I’ve been freakin’ out about it. Even though, as I told her, neither my RE, nor my GP has said such a thing and my BMI is within the normal range.
  20. I have a great job. I think my boss is fabulous. I’m quite fortunate as far as my career goes.
  21. I’ve told my husband that if he cheated on me I wouldn’t necessarily divorce him.
  22. I hate that the lives of celebrities has become such a part of our culture. Why should anything they say or do be news?
  23. Before my current profession I was a stockbroker for a few years.
  24. I took a Greyhound bus from Boston to Colorado to spend the summer living with D after I graduated from college. I flew back.
  25. Autumn is my favorite season. It means renewal – probably since it has my birthday, the Jewish New Year, and was the start of the school year.
  26. I like being a Boston sports fan. I think because it makes you feel like you’re part of a community.
  27. Have I mentioned that D & I met in high school? We went to the Senior Prom together. But we didn’t get married until I was 30.
  28. At our wedding, instead of using numbers to designate each table I named each table after a city where one (or both) of us had lived or spent a significant amount of time. There was a picture frame on each table with the name of the city, followed by a short paragraph explaining the significance of each place.
  29. I love that we have this long history together, and that when we reminisce about those high school years we know exactly what the other is talking about.
  30. My favorite piece of art in my home is an embellished lithograph on canvas of this print by Gary Benfield.
  31. We also have serigraphs from Michael Kachan and Linda LeKniff among others.
  32. I was captain of my high school softball team, even though I honestly, wasn’t very talented.
  33. I am currently addicted to Grand Theft Auto – Vice City. The sense of accomplishment after completing a mission – even if it involved killing lots of people in a violent manner – is comforting to me.
  34. D and I don’t share a lot of hobbies, which worries me sometimes.
  35. I’ve never been an animal person. We didn’t have pets growing up, and I’ve often thought that pet owners are a little crazy. But lately, I’ve been thinking it might be great to have a little puppy to love.
  36. My favorite meal is probably lobster & steamers.
  37. Chocolate soufflés are my favorite dessert. But skip the coulis.
  38. The first concert I ever went to was James Taylor at Great Woods.
  39. The last concert I went to was a free one by Lyle Lovett last July 4th (I think). It might have been a free one by either Fountains of Wayne or Rhett Butler sometime last summer. New York has great free events in the summer.
  40. I bought a mountain bike when I was 22 because of a boy. If I’ve ridden it more than 22 times I’d be surprised.
  41. I did do the 5 Borough Bike Ride on it one year though, with D and our friends B & J.
  42. I’m a pretty good downhill skier. I’ve been doing it since I was 6 so I should be.
  43. I don’t waterski. And I’m not a very good sailor. I tend to get seasick, unless I’m on a big cruise ship, a kayak or canoe.
  44. I’m superstitious.
  45. I wish I could sing on key. But I still like singing anyway.
  46. I went to overnight camp from age 7 to 16. I think that experience helps define you.
  47. I had a Huey Lewis and the News poster on my bedroom wall in 1985.
  48. I also had a picture of Doug Flutie over my bed.
  49. I told D that I had my own blog this weekend. I swear I told him before, but he didn’t remember.
  50. I was my paternal grandparents only granddaughter out of 8 grandchildren. It made me feel special.
  51. I was on the pill from age 18 to 32. My mom thinks that might be part of the reason for my IF.
  52. I don’t like wearing high heels.
  53. D kicked me in the head once accidentally. He was supposed to be showing off his karate skills and sweep his leg over me. As payback I made him walk up and down a hill clucking like a chicken.
  54. I love that D can be goofy with me.
  55. I love thunderstorms and summer rain.
  56. I love watching snow fall (as long as I’m not driving in it).
  57. The TV shows I refuse to miss are: Gilmore Girls, Alias (though I was greatly disappointed this season), Lost, and Deadwood. I’m also devoted to Scrubs, Arrested Development, The O.C. (love Adam Brody), Six Feet Under, and Entourage. Thank g-d for Tivo!
  58. I refuse to watch most reality television.
  59. I have a slight crush on Rachel Ray.
  60. In our new apartment, what will someday be the nursery will at first be my craft room. I hope to get caught up on my scrapbooking since I’m over 2 years behind. And I still have to do a wedding and honeymoon book.
  61. I’ve never talked to a therapist, though I think I would like it.
  62. I’m pretty frugal. Sometimes I’m even cheap. But I’ve never been in debt.
  63. I’m organized about most things.
  64. When I was a kid and didn’t like what we were having for dinner, I’d take pieces of the food, spit them into my napkin, then chuck them under the kitchen table so they’d land closer to my brother’s chair. I wonder what my Mom thought?
  65. I don’t think D & I are soulmates, because I think you could be happy with more than one person. It would just be different.
  66. I love D because he’s smart and interesting and makes me laugh.
  67. I worry that my brother and some of our single friends won’t find someone to share their life with.
  68. I say I believe in G-d, but I’m not completely sure I do.
  69. I was not in a sorority in college. I did live in the Arts House during the spring semester of my junior year though.
  70. I spent the fall semester of junior year in Switzerland. I think every college student should do a semester abroad.
  71. I wish I had stayed in Europe after the semester ended and toured around. I really wish D had flown out to meet me, and that we could have toured around together. Instead I went straight home ‘cuz I missed him. That’s a little pathetic – and one of my life’s regrets.
  72. I want to name our first child after our maternal grandmothers.
  73. I’m a registered Republican (don’t hate me).
  74. Lately I’ve thought about changing my political party ‘cuz since Bush became President I can’t identify with the party. When I turned 18 I registered Republican ‘cuz I am definitely fiscally conservative. And I liked going against the crowd – living in Massachusetts, as a Republican is practically unheard of. Now I don’t know what to do. I still think we should be able to balance the budget and that we spend way too much, but my take on the quality of life issues is so liberal that I don’t want to belong to any party.
  75. In fact, I’ve told friends that I want to start my own political party. I’ve dubbed it “The Smart Party.” The platform is pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-stem cell research, and based on the premise that people need to be responsible for their own choices and actions.
  76. Lately D & I have been talking about going to New Orleans for a long weekend and going to Monaco for the Grand Prix. He’s gotten into Formula 1 racing recently.
  77. I feel guilty sometimes that we see so much more of my family than D’s family. But I don’t think it can be helped.
  78. I’m spending way too much of my work hours on this post, and blogging in general.
  79. None of my closest friends were married before they turned 30.
  80. Neither D nor I own an ipod. Yet.
  81. I’ve spent more than $100 on a pair of shoes only once in my life.
  82. I love playing board games. D does not. Playstation works for both of us.
  83. I carry a book with me almost everywhere I go.
  84. I don’t have any tattoos. D has a small tattoo of Kokopelli over his left shoulder blade. Is that ironic?
  85. I love the Olympics. So much fun to watch.
  86. The first adult vacation (sans family) I ever took/planned, was a trip to the Grand Canyon with D. We were not properly prepared for the hike down, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
  87. I prefer contemporary styling to Victorian, arts and crafts to country kitchen.
  88. I like playing croquet and shuffleboard.
  89. Fourteen is my favorite number. I don’t know why.
  90. I’ve smoked a cigarette twice in my life.
  91. I fainted at a play once. Not from a chair – it was more performance art and the audience was standing around the actors in this enclosed little space. I hit the floor.
  92. I’m indebted to my high school English teacher for teaching me how to write a proper essay (not that I display those techniques here).
  93. I failed my drivers’ license test the first time.
  94. My current favorite play is The Pillowman. Go see it if you can. I highly recommend it.
  95. Even though I work in theater, it’s my husband who has performed on a Broadway stage.
  96. I’m contemplating seeing a nutritionist. Has anyone gone to one?
  97. My acupuncturist told me about this feng-shui thing to do for infertility: you’re supposed to take a picture of a baby (from a magazine or something) and put it face to face with a picture of you and your husband. Tie a red ribbon around the 2 pictures and place it under your mattress. Yes, I tried it.
  98. I think skylines and bridges make a great view.
  99. D proposed to me in Central Park.
  100. I’ve only had yelling fights with males; never with a girlfriend.
  101. I hope you found some part of this list interesting and maybe you feel like you know me a little bit more.

    Geesh. That took a bloody long time. Thanks for reading!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Thank you!

I just want to say thank you to everyone that's left me a comment, subscribed to my blog (yeah bloglines!) and, in general, is out there rooting for me. Logging on this morning and seeing all the kind words and outpouring of support from you (even if you didn't post, knowing that you're out there keeping tabs on me) makes me feel a hundred time better and really does make me feel less alone in this struggle. I know other IF bloggers have said it before and said it better, but you make me feel that I'm a part of a special community that's got my back as I deal with REs and monkey wands and shots and insurance carriers. I'm so grateful for you all.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Ummm, beer.

Bring on the alcohol. Sangria. Frozen mudslides. Summer ale. The blood test was negative once again.

I was so proud of myself for not fretting during this 2ww. When I went to buy the Monistat last night to cure the lovely progesterone side effect, I didn’t even seriously contemplate buying an hpt even though they were quite literally side by side. I knew I wasn’t pregnant. Yet, there was a sliver of hope somewhere inside me that had fantasized about leaving work at 2pm and surprising D at the office with the news. And that sliver of hope forced me to become a little choked up on the phone with the nurse when she called with the results. But now, 10 minutes later with nary a tear shed, I’ve already left a message for my doctor to schedule an appointment to discuss the next step and am determined to move on with my day. I have a manicure and facial scheduled at a fancy-shmancy spa and by golly I'm going to enjoy it.

D will be out of town from 7/5 – 7/15 or so for work (unless the case settles), so next month is going to be an off cycle anyway. I’ve got one of my best friends visiting tomorrow, and next weekend I’m heading to Boston for my parents 120th birthday party (every year they have a bar-b-que on the 4th, and this year they turned it into a party since they both turned 60 within the last month) and hopefully a Red Sox game at Fenway. Bring on the alcohol.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Other Medical Professionals

I had my regular bi-annual dental cleaning appt. this morning (actually I was supposed to have it last week, but changed it when I thought I might have to go to the RE on the morning of CD 14). I’ve never really minded going to the dentist, but lately what’s bothered me about going is that every visit is a reminder that another 6 months have gone by and I’m still not pregnant.

But I go, and am forced into admitting to the staff of the office that, while, I’m not currently pregnant, technically I could be, so please let’s skip the x-rays. And everyone was quite pleasant about it, offering typical assvice gems such as “don’t worry, it’ll happen when you least expect it” and “you should go on vacation – that worked for my sister.” And I smile and nod in agreement, because for some reason, assvice from strangers doesn’t bother me so much. It’s almost like the equivalent of talking about the weather. I do feel badly that when D goes in for his treatments (and he’s been undergoing some major surgery lately requiring frequent visits – yeah for gum grafting!), the office staff will be aware of this part of his sex life.

It was kind of interesting how the fact that I’m trying to get pregnant played so much a part of today’s appointment. Besides not having x-rays and serving as the conversation topic between me and the office assistant, it served as an even stronger reason for the dental hygienist to implore that I floss more. (As a side note, when I first started ttc, I made flossing a daily part of my regimen. Along with no alcohol and cutting down on caffeine, it was part of my “get body ready for pregnancy” plan. But as the cycles kept coming, the flossing disappeared and the alcohol flowed copiously.) And the dentist then came in to say that when I find out either way I should call because if it’s good news I can schedule another dental appt. since you should have 3 visits while pregnant, and if it’s the other than I could stop by and have the x-rays taken.

I just wanted to get my teeth cleaned – I didn’t need to find other things and people whose course of action depends on a pregnancy test. Grrrrr.

And, to make things even more exciting, I’m pretty sure I’ve developed a yeast infection. Of course, the progesterone suppositories make it hard to diagnose, but the level of discomfort I’m experiencing is clearly indicative. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible what with all the activity and monitoring that goes on down there, but I guess those wacky hormones keep finding new ways to play with me!

I called my regular gynecologist and haven’t yet received a call back. What’s one more suppository when it’s for such a good cause?

Monday, June 20, 2005

Bein' Green

One of the perks of my job is getting to leave the office at 2pm on Fridays between Memorial Day Weekend and Labor Day. It makes the week go that much quicker, which is a great thing when you’re in the 2ww. This past Friday I used the afternoon off to finally visit a friend/co-worker of mine who gave birth to her first child in April. For some reason, I’m better able to handle being around children and pregnant women when I’m in the two-week wait. I think not having to visit the RE repeatedly allows hope to grow, and the positive thoughts of “maybe this time” beat away the envy. Regardless, I finally got my butt up to see my friend and her darling one and had quite the pleasant time. I hadn’t seen her since she left on maternity leave, and hadn’t spoken with her since a couple days after she gave birth, so we had a lot to catch up on. The baby boy slept most of the time, and we went for a walk around the neighborhood (which, knock on wood, will soon be my new neighborhood) and it was fun. Conversation wasn’t too child-heavy, and she did ask about my trials and tribulations and didn’t say anything that offended me; as opposed to another friend that we spent time with on Saturday.

You see, I decided to continue my good-deeds and set up a date for D & I to spend time Saturday with friends who have a 3-year-old boy and just had a baby girl last month. I’ve been feeling guilty because I still haven’t sent a gift, and we gave them a pretty generous one when their boy was born. But I figured they’re more likely to get upset if I continue to avoid them, so better to get it over and done with. We bought sandwiches and had a picnic in a park around the corner. It was nice, I only got teary when I watched D kneel down and start playing catch with their son. For some reason, it totally pulled my heartstrings. I know Donna understands, as she tells a similar tale.

Of course, my friend eventually asked me about my IF procedures. I never bring it up with anyone, but always wait for the topic to be broached by him or her. I guess because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable? (This is probably worth exploring in a new post someday, if not on a therapist’s couch.) Anyway, after I explained my current protocol my friend said something like “You seem to be doing okay with it – or are you just putting on a brave front?” I replied that it’s a brave front, that I’m pretty much sad all the time. But then I shrug my shoulders in that “But what can you do?” way, because apparently this is how I handle the thought of making my friends feel uneasy with the conversation. Then she replies, “Well, at least you’re not having repeated miscarriages.”

I know she offered it up as a “Look at the positive side of things” quip. But the thing is, despite reading the heartbreaking blogs of people who have suffered so, there’s a part of me that desperately just wants to know that IT IS POSSIBLE for me to BE pregnant - even if it was for one week. I know that’s crazy, and that those of you who have gone through the pain of a miscarriage wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but that’s where my head and heart are. I tried explaining this to my friend, and she said that she was just trying to look at things with a glass-half-full approach. But to me, it just felt like the pain and sadness I feel was being belittled. That since I hadn’t really lost anything real, I shouldn’t feel so depressed and lost myself. I imagine it’s frustrating for someone to repeatedly get pregnant and then lose it. Yet I know, that to not ever have experienced that moment of joy and possibility from 2 pinks lines is maddening.

Of course I don’t really wish for a miscarriage. I wish for a positive pregnancy test with a real high beta number, and strong heartbeat and clear ultrasound picture and a risk-free 9 month pregnancy, with a happy and healthy baby at the end. And I wish for the ability to stop looking over other people’s fences and noticing how much greener their yards are then mine.

Thursday, June 16, 2005


Describing what infertility feels like to someone who hasn’t personally experienced it is surely impossible. We try, like Boulder eloquently does, to come up with analogies, but I’m not sure anything can really get the point across. And I think that’s what makes going on with your everyday life so difficult. I’ll meet up with friends and/or relatives who will kindly ask me what’s going on with “the baby stuff” (as my sister-in-law recently referred to it) and my answer barely skims the surface of what is truly happening to me. I don’t mind them asking, and I happily share the details of the monitoring process and the giving of shots and the IUI procedure and the progesterone and when test day is. But I’m completely unable to express the frustration, the sadness, the disappointment, the gleams of hope that truly make up “what’s going on with the baby stuff.” Thus, I feel like I’m forced into being this superficial, phony friend/sister-in-law/daughter, because I’m not honestly sharing how I’m doing. Not only do I feel badly about being infertile because of what it means for my future, but I feel badly because I know it makes my parents and D and those that truly love me worry about and feel terrible for me. And this makes me less likely to want to spend time with a friend/sister-in-law/parent, because I hate not being able to be completely open with them, so I choose staying home rather than going out. Which then only leads to feeling isolated and alone and, of course, depressed. It’s one of the many Catch-22s IF has introduced me to.

Which I guess is why having fellow IF friends can be such a relief. Mare writes today about meeting Amy, a fellow IF blogger, and how great it was “to be in the company of someone who totally and completely gets my situation.” And I hear what she’s saying. Recently my best friend found out that her husband has congenital bilateral absence of vas deferens, so that their only option is IVF. She’s just begun the grueling tests, the calls to insurance companies, the endless waiting for the next step. Although she has been ttc for a year and a half, it’s only now that she confessed she sees what a struggle I’ve been undertaking. I wish to hell she didn’t have to find out. Statistically I thought that at least my trouble would allow those close to me to escape the IF curse. If it’s 10% of the population, shouldn’t I be the 1 out of my closest 10 friends (granted, I’m not sure I have 10 close friends) to suffer? Alas, that’s not how it works apparently. When she first found out she called me and said, “Let’s do IVF together!” And I honestly wanted to. It won’t work out that way timing-wise, but just knowing that she and I are walking this road together makes me think the trip will be less painful.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tick. Tock.

Oh, how to make time pass quickly.

Work is certainly doing everything it can to make the hours speed past. I suppose that’s a good thing, but geesh, I haven’t been so swamped with my job in a long time. I guess that’s what happens when your show is a success (at least for the time being).

And my apartment to-do list is also keeping me busy. We actually went over the weekend to see the apartment with my mom, and we got to see the result from the landslide. We absolutely have the most gorgeous view of the construction pit from our living room window. But the lawyers have traded letters and it appears that we have no choice but to move ahead with the sale (which, truth be told, I want to do anyway. I love this apartment.). My mom helped me decide on paint colors for the place, which is a huge relief to me. We responded to the additional questions asked of the co-op board’s “Admissions Committee” and have been approved for the official board interview on the 21st. I had a couple of movers come and give me estimates, but I still need to find some painters and someone to wax or polish (whatever one does to make hardwood look its prettiest) the floors. But I’m getting things accomplished and things are moving forward.

As for my training plan, I’m a little stymied. Since the doctor at the IUI last week told me specifically “no exercise” except for walking, I don’t know what to do! It strikes me as odd that I’ve been so instructed. Part of me is perfectly happy to continue my lazy, slothful ways, but part of me thinks my body might benefit from a little action. My bank account certainly appreciates having the gym membership on hold, but might I feel better if I started working out again?

I contacted one acupuncture place I was interested in, but after speaking with them I’m not sure it’s right for me. You’ll get a file and are likely to be treated by more than one acupuncturist depending on when your appt. is each day. I’ll have to do some more research, but if I can’t go on D’s health insurance until November anyway, which I think means I won’t actually be covered by it until 2006, I have quite a chunk of time before any pre-IVF work needs to be done.

I’m 4 days past IUI. 10 days ‘til beta. And I’m not taking a home test this time. What would be the point? I know the answer already. But if I’m wrong, on beta day I’d be 3 weeks 2 days pregnant. Is that even possible? Of course, the answer is no. But still, I wait for the confirmation.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Back Again.

Well, I doubt if I’ve ever been more hopeless in my life. Here’s what happened:

The nurse called and left a message for me to trigger Wednesday night. I freaked out. Called D who calmed me down, insisted I make arrangements to speak with the doctor even if it meant leaving my afternoon meetings. I called the clinic back, the nurse explained that my doctor was out of the office and I explained to her my frustration. She suggested that I go ahead with the IUI since that does increase the odds, otherwise I could just try timed intercourse – which would mean triggering anyway or using an opk. But the gist was that you don’t want to waste the 19mm follicle. So I resigned myself to throwing yet more money after bad. What’s another $500 at this point for the monitoring fee and semen wash? Even if I’m bitter because I think I should’ve been taking smaller doses of bravelle.

I then had to arrange to pick up the ovidrel at a local pharmacy since I hadn’t yet ordered it from Freedom for mail delivery. (It was only day 7! I swear I had planned to order the hcg and more needles and a new sharps disposal that day.) Fortunately there’s a great pharmacy on my way home, but unfortunately my insurance won’t cover ovidrel unless I order it through the mail. WTF? So add an extra $25 penalty for my shortsightedness.

Later that night I tried to get D to have sex, but he was too tired from his gym workout. It was only Thursday morning when I thought to wonder about how long it had been since he last let his juices flow - Sunday night, making it 4 ½ days before IUI. My clinic recommends not abstaining for more than 4-5 days before insemination. I don’t know what you would do, but I opted for sex last night (less than 12 hours before his appt.) figuring that since his numbers are always good it’d be unlikely that his sample would be sub-par, and that I’d also have the bonus of another platoon of soldiers in the field working for us.

And the IUI went fine this morning. His sample was still great – 187 million post-wash, 92% motility, the nurse performing the IUI said my lining was fine and that I should have faith in the doctor. That, I guess, the 13mm follicle on the day 3 ultrasound wasn’t a cyst at all (I can’t remember if I assumed it was a cyst or if the doc that day used the word. I don’t think she did). Also, the nurse said today that I should avoid swimming and baths and no exercise for the next 2 weeks. I guess my trip to Hawaii wasn’t very conducive to getting pregnant. I start the progesterone again on Sunday morning and report back on 6/24 for a pregnancy test. The 2-week wait is here again and I swear I was just here.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Color Me Confused

I thought that the more times you cycled, it would get easier, that things would make much more sense and your knowledge and experience would lessen the anxiety and questions. Thus, you can see why at today’s ultrasound I was completely baffled when the doctor said that I had one 19mm follicle and the rest were less than 10mm. Huh? IT’S DAY 7. 19mm would indicate time to trigger, no? She said yes it would but that my doctor will decide later once the blood results are in. She didn’t mention a cyst, so when I asked her what happened to the 13mm cyst from day 3 she said it could be the 19mm follicle now. Last cycle my cyst shrank daily, what’s up with it growing?

I don’t get it.

And I know I shouldn’t worry myself about it now. I should wait until the nurse calls with tonight’s instructions, and see what they say. But if they say trigger tonight for an IUI on DAY 9, I just don’t think I see the point with just one follicle.


Monday, June 06, 2005

Spring Training in the Summer

I went in on Saturday morning for all that fun day 3 stuff. And for once, I wrote down all my information when they called with the instructions:

13mm cyst right ovary
E2: 65
FSH: 4.8
LH: 25

As opposed to last cycle, the 13mm left over follicle is nothing. And after using Dr. Google’s services, I feel pretty good about my bloodwork numbers. My doc always said that my ovarian reserve was fine, so I suppose it’s good to know it still appears to be. Of course, it doesn’t help at all to alleviate the frustration that comes from not getting pregnant even though all signs say you should.

Internal Spring’s post today has inspired me to come up with my own training plan. Spring training may have ended for baseball players in March, but there’s still time to get in the groove before the All-Star break. Herewith then are my top list of things I want to work on and I’m giving myself a deadline of July 12, the date of the All-Star Game.


I put my gym membership on hold before the holidays in December, since between traveling the last 2 weeks of December and having the laparoscopy in January I knew I wouldn’t be making it there frequently. I did get into the habit of doing pilates at home for awhile, but since attending the class on injectibles where they said to lay-off the exercising, I’ve been blowing it off completely.

Personally, I hate exercising. I’ve never really gotten that “boost” that comes from a great workout – I just don’t feel guilty for not going. But a few weeks ago I walked home from 86th Street (about a 30 minute walk) and I couldn’t believe how sore my legs were, or how easily I got out of breath. I need to do SOMETHING to get back in shape.


I had gone for acupuncture for almost 8 months last year, but was never really sure if it was doing anything for me. Once I started seeing my RE I stopped going, partly due to finances, and partly due to the convenience of not having another bi-weekly appointment. But if I am going to end up doing IVF, I want to be undergoing acupuncture treatment since the studies seem to indicate it helps (and I certainly don’t think it would hurt). I liked my acupuncturist, but would rather find someone more geographically convenient to work or home, and someone that isn’t outrageously expensive.

I think, for practicality’s sake, I better stop there. It’s five weeks away and I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Because besides these tasks, I have a multitude of things I need to do regarding moving into our new apartment (knock on wood). Assuming that we get approved by the co-op board, I then get to concentrate on accumulating all the paperwork needed for the closing, not to mention hiring a mover, finding a painter and maybe a floor refinisher and buying new furniture.

With the stress of buying an apartment, moving, and undergoing the infertility treatments, perhaps it isn’t any wonder that I’m not pregnant? Perhaps a regimented spring training plan for the start of summer will help me feel in control.

Friday, June 03, 2005


I’ve spent the last couple hours dealing with insurance payments for my last two IUIs. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that insurance is covering any of this, but damn, it’s depressing to see how much is being spent for nothing in return. That, on top of the fact that there is no logic to the billing procedures, is what is driving me crazy at the moment. Even though my doctor is a covered provider, the clinic isn’t, so even though my actual doctor may perform the actual ultrasound, I still have to pay for it as though someone who isn’t a covered provider is wielding the wand.


This just in: My darling husband e-mailed me to say that he’s learned (at my urging) that his insurance will cover up to 4 tries at IVF. I can hardly believe it!!! Currently we’re both under my insurance coverage as it costs us nothing out of pocket, and to be on his we would have to pay. I believe we have to wait until November before their enrollment opens again – but I have no doubt that it will be here before we know it. Of course, I’d love for this IUI to work, but not having to shell out the $10K as we thought we’d have to sure is worth celebrating.

Perhaps I should stop focusing on the future and concentrate on positive vibes for this cycle, but that news sure made me happy and successfully eliminated all the frustration I had been feeling moments ago about those damn insurance companies. And that’s a good way to start a weekend – and a new cycle. It’s CD2 officially, and the process begins anew tomorrow.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Next Up, Injectible IUI #3

Besides the obvious, one reason I dislike progesterone suppositories is that it forces me to wait even longer before moving on. When not using the lovely abdominal cramp-inducing medication, at least my big day of disappointment coincides with the start of a new cycle (for as I mentioned previously, I’m not a frequent pee-on-a-stick kind of girl). But now I’m forced to wallow in the failure of the last cycle without the distraction of what’s going on in with my new cycle.

And I keep thinking shouldn’t I just move on to IVF? Why will a third injectible IUI cycle produce any different results? But our plan has always been to do 3 cycles before proceeding (does having this as a plan ahead of time mean I was destined to go through 3 cycles?); it was something that D felt strongly about so I acquiesced.

What’s really strange about it all is that D is not dying to be a father. He’s certainly come to accept the idea, but if I went home and told him that I’ve decided I didn’t want us to have kids he’d be pretty happy. Hence, when we started ttc it was clearly “my project.” He didn’t want to know anything about my temperatures or cervical fluid or what certain books said we should do in the three months before we began trying (despite the fact that I highlighted and tabbed certain sections for him to read in Before Your Pregnancy). Then last December, when I was in one of my really bad bouts of infertile depression, I told him that I wanted to start looking into adoption. He said we should try IVF first, and it blew me away.

We’re both pretty practical people, particularly when it comes to money. Before I started the injectibles I thought I’d skip IVF and the 50% chance of having a biological child for spending the same amount of money and the 99% chance of having any child. But D, who I know is terrified at the prospect of becoming a parent at all, wants to explore all our options of having a biological child. And given that it’s his salary that provides us with the luxury of being able to afford trying the various options, I think it’s only fair to go see them all through. So next up is bravelle-IUI #3.

I’ve just started feeling those premenstrual cramps, so it looks like CD 1 will be here soon.